12 Comments on “How to Deal with the Control Freak”

Dee on January 26 said:

this is so wrong. you make it sound like its wrong to be a control freak. control freaks only get that way because they deal with incompetent people.
Mark Tyrrell on February 03 said:

Very good Dee that made me chortle thanks : )
Anon Ymouse on March 08 said:

I read your page after googling - because I am dealing with a control freak now. This man is a client of mine—not a boss or a boyfriend. But I have put so much work into the situation and want to keep going for the financial pay-off that I expect relatively soon. Also, there is the fact that although this man is an extreme control freak, he is also a good person on other respects to work with. let’s say—good for the resume.

So far, this man has: told me what he wants me to wear; has told me who I can and cannot talk to; wants me to report all kinds of things to him; has told others not to talk to me, because he wants to control all communication; and on and on.

At first, I thought he must be attracted to me and this must be his jealousy. Now, I think this is not the case, and realize he is just a control freak. I am the opposite - I am into letting people do their own thing and then enjoying the diversity and end result. So, we are very very different.

I have decided that the best route is to tell him I will obey him, and then to do that. It was easy for me to say and harder for me to do. This is the reason: I found that telling him I will obey him puts the power into his hands, and he no longer feels threatened. Then, he can relax, and he can even listen to what I am saying, and he can do some of it. He simply needs to feel like he is the one calling all the shots.

As a metaphor, but not far off from the truth—he cannot even think until he has the whole room kneeling before him. Once he has that, he can clear his head and start to listen and to think and even accept ideas.

Also, I have found I am a bit of a smart-ass and I tend to make jokes. I am working on this—if I am going to obey him, I should also respect him. This is hard as heck, because some of his demands are silly or offensive or just plain counterproductive. Some other things, he is right about.

Let’s say this is quite an experience for me. I am learning a lot. I think that learning how to deal with him will help me in the long run. And it never hurts to change my personality and ways a bit, either. This is truly taking a lot of effort on my part.
Jan Voght on April 09 said:

Everything in this article is true. The best part, (after being married to a control freak for 29 years) is that you will never force them to change or even examine what is miserable about them. I have never met a person who likes to be controlled, and therefore we all have our ways of dealing with the “decent in so many other ways” Control Freak. As long as the situation does not turn toxic, whatever method you choose, is good. A control freak will not stop the toxicity, they are not willing or able. You must recognize that you have much more control over the situation turning toxic or not. In order to live in the freedom that we need to grow, you might need to learn ways to gain the space. Good luck, enjoy your life.
Freshorses on April 09 said:

Making sense of an intimate relationship with a Control Freak is sometimes easier, when we dig deeper, and realize that this was probably what was done to them in early childhood conditioning. That doesn’t make it any more pleasant, and it doesn’t mean the Control Freak can change. But understanding helps.
Dawn on April 12 said:

Oh please help me help “us”!! Im in WAY over my head here. Im going to self destruct if I dont get answers. I believe, as embarrassed as I am to admit this, I have allowed yet another man abuse me. For the last 10yrs Darren has been severly verbal abusing me.Ive actually recorded a bunch of it- and he even knew I was recording him!!! Boy oh boy am I the smart one! Hes already been convicted of the exact thing. Ive allowed him 10 more years of getting away with it! Why? Beause I love him? No no, Im something much bigger than a “victim” Oh gosh, I think Im in dire need of help. He just refuses to admit his problem so we can somehow help eachother. We realy do love eachother! Is there any hope for us? We really do love eachother. We are just two verry lost, broken and disfuntioal people. Please help me. Anything you can offer would be GREATLY appreciated. Thank you so verry much for your valuble time. Dawn-helpless in Shelton Washington!!!
Danielle on April 28 said:

Hi there,

I was wondering if someone could confirm for me if my friend is a control freak or not?

I’ve known her for nearly 10 years and when we were younger I was happy to follow her around and do what she wanted because at the time I guess I was undecisive but when we were 17/18 and I started hanging out with other people at college I think I realised how controlling she could be and I started to ‘rebel’. Origionally I spoke to her about this but told her at the same time that I wanted nothing to do with her any more.

4years later we bumped into each other and we started hanging out again and for a short time she had changed but I’ve been hanging out with her for the last 9 months and she’s started acting like it again, worse thing is she doesn’t realise she’s doing it and I’m scared to approach her with this but I’m the only one with the guts to do it so I know I have to, for her sake more than ours because I want her to be happy and she won’t be if people keep leaving her.

At first it was small things, if we all went out we all HAD to wear dresses or if we went somewhere to eat because she was driving she would HAVE to decide where we’d go for lunch but just recently I realised I wouldn’t be able to go to her birthday because of some severe financial problems and when I told her she went barmy, even threatened to stop talking to me. Even though she knows how much I was looking forward to it and I was even planning my outfit months in advance because I work part tiem and was worried that I wouldn’t have the money for one. Anyways shes started complaining that I shouldn’t have bought any work clothes because then I would have the money to go but I tried to make her understand that they were for job interviews and she came up with all mannor of excuses as to why I didn’t need those clothes.

I know she wants me to go and shes upset but so am I and I believe if she were a real friend then she wouldn’t be trying to guilt me into going, even her other friends have started moving on and I feel terrible for her because I don’t want to see her alone and I care about her, she’s one of my longest friends but I’m starting to get sick of it. I have a serious problemswith being controlled as I had a troubled childhood and I can also understand her reasons for her behaviour but this doesn’t mean I should put up with it because she does so much for me. I feel like I’m being emotionally blackmailed.

Not only that but when I invite her out she won’t come because she doesn’t like my friends (even though shes never met them) and on top of that if I want to invite friends out with us on a night out, I have to clear it with her first because they might not be her kind of people - tbh I’m not sure what that is. Also if we do go out, we have to stay at her side through out the whole night otherwise she trows tantrums, for example if we go for a cigarette or toilet we have to make sure someone is standing with her before we leave to do it.

What should I do? I don’t want to break up with her again because deep down she is a good person but at the end of the day i don’t believe I should stay just because she does nice things for me. I’ve thought prehaps about keeping her at arms length and go out with her less but I wouldn’t know how to go about doing that?

Please email me with any of your comments
Mark Tyrrell on April 30 said:

Thanks Danielle

It certainly does, from what you describe, sound like your friend’s behaviour is controlling. It also sounds like you’re a wonderful, thoughtful and considerate friend. But I think you already know that in order to give someone the opportunity to change you need to give her some feedback. You also have your own needs, feelings and life to consider. You can respect your own feelings. Although she does a lot for you she is clearly being “commercial” in her niceness in that she expects (demands?)obedience in return.

The way she acts clearly bothers you but it also bothers her as people keep leaving her as you say. Some things are best controlled tightly (like the workings of a plane) and some things need much more room to breath (like the workings of a relationship) if your friend doesn’t start to see herself more objectively soon and modify her actions then, I’m afraid, she’s going to be lonely. She may not like you for telling her now but she will one day. Remember people often react very strongly to what they know, deep down, to be true.

All the best

Mark
Dlux on May 23 said:

@Dee: youre stupid and youre probably a control freak yourself, control freaks get the way they are because they are insecure and have the need to feel important and the only way they can do that is by trying to control everyone elses lives.
Linda on July 13 said:

Dee you are an idiot !!! It is not dealing with incompetent people
that triggers a control freak. It is a serious disorder. These people
need therapy .
Roberta on July 21 said:

@Dee: that is a nice thinking, maybe you should have one as your mother in law…
liz on July 23 said:

Control freaks need to control other people because of their low self esteem. It boosts their ego and makes them feel powerful when really they are very immature and lack self esteem and confidence. They are not genuine people and will try to manipulate as well. They should stay in relationships with people like themselves then they can abuse each other. lol