I read your page after googling - because I am dealing with a control freak now. This man is a client of mine—not a boss or a boyfriend. But I have put so much work into the situation and want to keep going for the financial pay-off that I expect relatively soon. Also, there is the fact that although this man is an extreme control freak, he is also a good person on other respects to work with. let’s say—good for the resume.
So far, this man has: told me what he wants me to wear; has told me who I can and cannot talk to; wants me to report all kinds of things to him; has told others not to talk to me, because he wants to control all communication; and on and on.
At first, I thought he must be attracted to me and this must be his jealousy. Now, I think this is not the case, and realize he is just a control freak. I am the opposite - I am into letting people do their own thing and then enjoying the diversity and end result. So, we are very very different.
I have decided that the best route is to tell him I will obey him, and then to do that. It was easy for me to say and harder for me to do. This is the reason: I found that telling him I will obey him puts the power into his hands, and he no longer feels threatened. Then, he can relax, and he can even listen to what I am saying, and he can do some of it. He simply needs to feel like he is the one calling all the shots.
As a metaphor, but not far off from the truth—he cannot even think until he has the whole room kneeling before him. Once he has that, he can clear his head and start to listen and to think and even accept ideas.
Also, I have found I am a bit of a smart-ass and I tend to make jokes. I am working on this—if I am going to obey him, I should also respect him. This is hard as heck, because some of his demands are silly or offensive or just plain counterproductive. Some other things, he is right about.
Let’s say this is quite an experience for me. I am learning a lot. I think that learning how to deal with him will help me in the long run. And it never hurts to change my personality and ways a bit, either. This is truly taking a lot of effort on my part.
Everything in this article is true. The best part, (after being married to a control freak for 29 years) is that you will never force them to change or even examine what is miserable about them. I have never met a person who likes to be controlled, and therefore we all have our ways of dealing with the “decent in so many other ways” Control Freak. As long as the situation does not turn toxic, whatever method you choose, is good. A control freak will not stop the toxicity, they are not willing or able. You must recognize that you have much more control over the situation turning toxic or not. In order to live in the freedom that we need to grow, you might need to learn ways to gain the space. Good luck, enjoy your life.
Making sense of an intimate relationship with a Control Freak is sometimes easier, when we dig deeper, and realize that this was probably what was done to them in early childhood conditioning. That doesn’t make it any more pleasant, and it doesn’t mean the Control Freak can change. But understanding helps.
Oh please help me help “us”!! Im in WAY over my head here. Im going to self destruct if I dont get answers. I believe, as embarrassed as I am to admit this, I have allowed yet another man abuse me. For the last 10yrs Darren has been severly verbal abusing me.Ive actually recorded a bunch of it- and he even knew I was recording him!!! Boy oh boy am I the smart one! Hes already been convicted of the exact thing. Ive allowed him 10 more years of getting away with it! Why? Beause I love him? No no, Im something much bigger than a “victim” Oh gosh, I think Im in dire need of help. He just refuses to admit his problem so we can somehow help eachother. We realy do love eachother! Is there any hope for us? We really do love eachother. We are just two verry lost, broken and disfuntioal people. Please help me. Anything you can offer would be GREATLY appreciated. Thank you so verry much for your valuble time. Dawn-helpless in Shelton Washington!!!
I was wondering if someone could confirm for me if my friend is a control freak or not?
I’ve known her for nearly 10 years and when we were younger I was happy to follow her around and do what she wanted because at the time I guess I was undecisive but when we were 17/18 and I started hanging out with other people at college I think I realised how controlling she could be and I started to ‘rebel’. Origionally I spoke to her about this but told her at the same time that I wanted nothing to do with her any more.
4years later we bumped into each other and we started hanging out again and for a short time she had changed but I’ve been hanging out with her for the last 9 months and she’s started acting like it again, worse thing is she doesn’t realise she’s doing it and I’m scared to approach her with this but I’m the only one with the guts to do it so I know I have to, for her sake more than ours because I want her to be happy and she won’t be if people keep leaving her.
At first it was small things, if we all went out we all HAD to wear dresses or if we went somewhere to eat because she was driving she would HAVE to decide where we’d go for lunch but just recently I realised I wouldn’t be able to go to her birthday because of some severe financial problems and when I told her she went barmy, even threatened to stop talking to me. Even though she knows how much I was looking forward to it and I was even planning my outfit months in advance because I work part tiem and was worried that I wouldn’t have the money for one. Anyways shes started complaining that I shouldn’t have bought any work clothes because then I would have the money to go but I tried to make her understand that they were for job interviews and she came up with all mannor of excuses as to why I didn’t need those clothes.
I know she wants me to go and shes upset but so am I and I believe if she were a real friend then she wouldn’t be trying to guilt me into going, even her other friends have started moving on and I feel terrible for her because I don’t want to see her alone and I care about her, she’s one of my longest friends but I’m starting to get sick of it. I have a serious problemswith being controlled as I had a troubled childhood and I can also understand her reasons for her behaviour but this doesn’t mean I should put up with it because she does so much for me. I feel like I’m being emotionally blackmailed.
Not only that but when I invite her out she won’t come because she doesn’t like my friends (even though shes never met them) and on top of that if I want to invite friends out with us on a night out, I have to clear it with her first because they might not be her kind of people - tbh I’m not sure what that is. Also if we do go out, we have to stay at her side through out the whole night otherwise she trows tantrums, for example if we go for a cigarette or toilet we have to make sure someone is standing with her before we leave to do it.
What should I do? I don’t want to break up with her again because deep down she is a good person but at the end of the day i don’t believe I should stay just because she does nice things for me. I’ve thought prehaps about keeping her at arms length and go out with her less but I wouldn’t know how to go about doing that?
It certainly does, from what you describe, sound like your friend’s behaviour is controlling. It also sounds like you’re a wonderful, thoughtful and considerate friend. But I think you already know that in order to give someone the opportunity to change you need to give her some feedback. You also have your own needs, feelings and life to consider. You can respect your own feelings. Although she does a lot for you she is clearly being “commercial” in her niceness in that she expects (demands?)obedience in return.
The way she acts clearly bothers you but it also bothers her as people keep leaving her as you say. Some things are best controlled tightly (like the workings of a plane) and some things need much more room to breath (like the workings of a relationship) if your friend doesn’t start to see herself more objectively soon and modify her actions then, I’m afraid, she’s going to be lonely. She may not like you for telling her now but she will one day. Remember people often react very strongly to what they know, deep down, to be true.
@Dee: youre stupid and youre probably a control freak yourself, control freaks get the way they are because they are insecure and have the need to feel important and the only way they can do that is by trying to control everyone elses lives.
Dee you are an idiot !!! It is not dealing with incompetent people
that triggers a control freak. It is a serious disorder. These people
need therapy .
Control freaks need to control other people because of their low self esteem. It boosts their ego and makes them feel powerful when really they are very immature and lack self esteem and confidence. They are not genuine people and will try to manipulate as well. They should stay in relationships with people like themselves then they can abuse each other. lol
Some people sure get riled up easily. If you read the article you would remember it said to stay calm. Dee’s comment just totally controlled you. That was too easy. Just sayin’ is all…
im soo glad i read this!!! im reaally going too far with controlling people. and with that i mean by taking their lifes….i don’t wanna kill them,i like other people. please don’t hate us, we are SICK and we need help
Go and get some then Zeto, there are plenty of experts out there, or are you scared of revealing your innerself. If you did you’d have to accept who you really are and where your coming from. Tough, don’t we all. Soz to be so blunt its called growing up and owning your own crap instead of trying to put it onto somebody else!
I love this article. I have a certain family member that is very controlling. She had no idea she was that way until I pointed it out in a nice way. Watching her I realize it is due to issues she has and insecurities. I have used humor and the broken record techniques and they really do work. I just have to remember all of these tips and use them more often.
Thank you for the wonderful article. I’ve realized that more of us are controlling than we think we are.
Control freaks are arrogant, they know best and can make people’s lives hell. I disagree with the previous comment, i am intelligent and hold down a high profile job - my partner tries to control me and when that doesnt work he tries to find a way to guilt trip me and bully me. He’s intelligent but a lazy bum who doesn’t work . . So he has to find some control in his life! Control freaks need to look at themselves and show some humanity . . We are all different and control freaks need to accept this and do something more productive with their energy!
Hi Mark and all others, thanks a lotfor sharing the precious information (...except from Dee’s shallow thought above. No thank for that).
I consider myself a person with reasonable strong personality as I proud of myself for being myself today. However, I still have to deal with this boyfriend (whom I actually want to consider being my “ex” already). So, @Dee, control freaks always want to control no matter who you are. It’s their problem, not ours.
I agree with what Mark’s said that control freaks are not bad people. However, for them being like that, it doesn’t mean I can like part of them and hate part of them. When I feel the person is “boring / uninteresting”, he is boring/uninteresting head to toes, 24/7, for 365 days a year.
Anyway, I still feel I should help the society by helping him heal himself. So, Mark, I have a couple questions:
1. Can control freak’s behavior be healed or changed? How? Have you ever seen a control freak be healed completely?
2. If the answer to the above 1 is negative, how to get rid of him from my life? He keeps trying to contact and I am too polite to open my eyes widely and runaway from him like seeing a ghost (despite that is actually my feeling).
Thanks for your comments. Certainly people can learn to become less controlling through:
A, recognising they are over-controlling in some ways
B, developing strategies to become less “extremist” in the way they conduct their personal and professional relationships.
But in my experience people are less likely to change whilst it suits them not to. Allowing oneself to be controlled by the control freak is like pouring fuel onto a fire whilst wishing it would go out! I have seen people grow out of over-controlling behaviours and become more flexible and therefore respectful in their dealings with others but as I say it may take strong feedback before they start to change. As for getting a control freak out of your life if that is what you want then you need to be firm and consistent. If they feel that you easily waver then they’ll keep on keeping on attempting to control you. You might find this article useful http://www.uncommonhelp.me/articles/ending-a-relationship/
I disagree with the comment that DEE made about control freaks having to deal with incompetent people. That’s a put down for a start. Control Freaks are insecure and have a personality disorder which probably goes back to their childhood.
Thank you for this excellent article. I find that decoding this behavior and coming up with specific or targeted responses is very helpful. I just recently started a job where my boss is a control freak (which is, incidentally, why I am researching this topic). I feel that it is too soon to walk away so I am trying to deal with it and focus on the positives. Also, my boss is not far from retirement (about 3 years and 20 days, but who’s counting?). However, I have never had such a terrible supervisor so the learning curve is steep.
Oh yes, I also have a ‘situation’ that has turned “control freak toxic”. My elderly mama now requires the ‘cooperative’ care of her 5 children and my older sister screams her edicts at me - especially if I say “I can’t spend the night with mother tonight”. My sister is out of control and there is no reasoning with her. Ironically, I have provided most of the additional care required for my mom for the past 13 years and have done this while working and caring for 3 kids etc.without her help. I am unfortunately without a job at present and can not afford the gas to drive the 70+ miles r.t. until I have income other than unemployment again. For this reason only, I have had to limit my visits as I cannot pay my own expenses with that additional cost of gasoline. If my sister screams at me again, I’m afraid I may shut her out altogether. There just aren’t any reasons for disrespecting another human to that degree and because she is my sister, it is hard not to take it personally. What is most sad is that she is worth over a million dollars and won’t acknowledge the financial hardship, let alone the inconvenience.
Not true i was bullied and harrassed by a male member of staff and i done my job well. I only got picked on because i didn’t stand up for myself the whole thing made me ill and i had to leave my job over it. I find your comment insulting and i dont ever want to be in a situation like it ever again
at work we have such a controlling character who is creating office disharmony and stress when ‘she’ is around. When we have meetings she is the one who talks, and if you try to say something she just blatantly begin to speak, and therefore you have to stop with your argument. In everything that we do at the office mainly reports, she always have ‘suggestions’ to make and if anyone tries to give his opinion she is the first to say that she does not agree with your opinion. She is so able to make you feel guilty in pointing out that you did something incorrect sending you an e-mail and copying the head of department (saying that the head is copied only to check out if she remembers anything of the decision). She uses email to impose control and turn everything into melodramas if she finds something missing or incorrect, typically saying ‘why she was not informed, etc etc’, lately she also had the guts to pointing out to our head of department copying also everyone in the department including the director that our head ‘erroneously left out suggestions decided during a meeting’. She nags and picks on everyone not being perfect with a certain arrogant attitude, not considering that she has the same grade as us in the department therefore it’s not her responsibility to pick on us evenmore on the head of department which I found quite offensive. She works also from home ‘teleworking’ she also had the guts to tell us not to call again in the afternoon at the home because we wake up her child (is enough if I call her ‘arrogant’). The bad thing is that she is ‘protected’ by the director, therefore there is not so much to do about it. But we at the office do not want to be treated in such a way by her. She is acting as if she is the head of department and we at the office are wondering who is the leader. she do not understand the concept of a team and its fundamental principles that each member should guide and help each other. PLEASE TELL ME HOW WE CAN DEAL WITH SUCH A MONSTER.
Well as you say it sounds like the director is protecting this woman. But perhaps the one thing you do have is numbers. If many of you feel this way as you seem to then perhaps an “open letter” from everyone to your director and this woman outlying exactly your grievances with examples of what you are not happy about-start collecting data of dissatisfaction to use as ammo. If enough of you have the guts to do this then whether this woman “accepts” what you all say or not and whether the director “agrees” with it what becomes undeniable is that you all do feel like this.
I don’t want to incite “mutiny” or “revolution” here but we always have to play the hands we are dealt and in this case it seems to be the widespread level of dissatisfaction this person has and is causing which will inevitably leak down to negatively impact work productivity-something the director may care about if an appeal to his/her sense of human welfare isn’t strong enough a motivation to get this woman in line.
Thank you for these insights. I am not incompetent; therefore I have no need for control freaks in my life. Helpful people are always welcome in my world.
Thank you. This was the most helpful thing I have read so far. I am looking for simple strategies. The question still in my mind is, should I confront this person or just leave it be? I have had many conversations/arguments over five years with this person. He is a good man, but so controlling he annoys me, frustrates me, makes me feel as if he doesn’t trust me. I think he can’t help it, and changing him will do no good at this point in his life. I guess it’s up to me to cope. But it’s an intimate relationship, which should be reciprocal and honest. Just coping, avoiding, etc. isn’t as honest as saying, “You are really getting on my nerves. Could you please stop?” But he won’t stop, even if he wants to, because he can’t. Or maybe he can improve…I still don’t know what to do.
Dee on January 26 said:
this is so wrong. you make it sound like its wrong to be a control freak. control freaks only get that way because they deal with incompetent people.
Mark Tyrrell on February 03 said:
Very good Dee that made me chortle thanks : )
Anon Ymouse on March 08 said:
I read your page after googling - because I am dealing with a control freak now. This man is a client of mine—not a boss or a boyfriend. But I have put so much work into the situation and want to keep going for the financial pay-off that I expect relatively soon. Also, there is the fact that although this man is an extreme control freak, he is also a good person on other respects to work with. let’s say—good for the resume.
So far, this man has: told me what he wants me to wear; has told me who I can and cannot talk to; wants me to report all kinds of things to him; has told others not to talk to me, because he wants to control all communication; and on and on.
At first, I thought he must be attracted to me and this must be his jealousy. Now, I think this is not the case, and realize he is just a control freak. I am the opposite - I am into letting people do their own thing and then enjoying the diversity and end result. So, we are very very different.
I have decided that the best route is to tell him I will obey him, and then to do that. It was easy for me to say and harder for me to do. This is the reason: I found that telling him I will obey him puts the power into his hands, and he no longer feels threatened. Then, he can relax, and he can even listen to what I am saying, and he can do some of it. He simply needs to feel like he is the one calling all the shots.
As a metaphor, but not far off from the truth—he cannot even think until he has the whole room kneeling before him. Once he has that, he can clear his head and start to listen and to think and even accept ideas.
Also, I have found I am a bit of a smart-ass and I tend to make jokes. I am working on this—if I am going to obey him, I should also respect him. This is hard as heck, because some of his demands are silly or offensive or just plain counterproductive. Some other things, he is right about.
Let’s say this is quite an experience for me. I am learning a lot. I think that learning how to deal with him will help me in the long run. And it never hurts to change my personality and ways a bit, either. This is truly taking a lot of effort on my part.
Jan Voght on April 09 said:
Everything in this article is true. The best part, (after being married to a control freak for 29 years) is that you will never force them to change or even examine what is miserable about them. I have never met a person who likes to be controlled, and therefore we all have our ways of dealing with the “decent in so many other ways” Control Freak. As long as the situation does not turn toxic, whatever method you choose, is good. A control freak will not stop the toxicity, they are not willing or able. You must recognize that you have much more control over the situation turning toxic or not. In order to live in the freedom that we need to grow, you might need to learn ways to gain the space. Good luck, enjoy your life.
Freshorses on April 09 said:
Making sense of an intimate relationship with a Control Freak is sometimes easier, when we dig deeper, and realize that this was probably what was done to them in early childhood conditioning. That doesn’t make it any more pleasant, and it doesn’t mean the Control Freak can change. But understanding helps.
Dawn on April 12 said:
Oh please help me help “us”!! Im in WAY over my head here. Im going to self destruct if I dont get answers. I believe, as embarrassed as I am to admit this, I have allowed yet another man abuse me. For the last 10yrs Darren has been severly verbal abusing me.Ive actually recorded a bunch of it- and he even knew I was recording him!!! Boy oh boy am I the smart one! Hes already been convicted of the exact thing. Ive allowed him 10 more years of getting away with it! Why? Beause I love him? No no, Im something much bigger than a “victim” Oh gosh, I think Im in dire need of help. He just refuses to admit his problem so we can somehow help eachother. We realy do love eachother! Is there any hope for us? We really do love eachother. We are just two verry lost, broken and disfuntioal people. Please help me. Anything you can offer would be GREATLY appreciated. Thank you so verry much for your valuble time. Dawn-helpless in Shelton Washington!!!
Danielle on April 28 said:
Hi there,
I was wondering if someone could confirm for me if my friend is a control freak or not?
I’ve known her for nearly 10 years and when we were younger I was happy to follow her around and do what she wanted because at the time I guess I was undecisive but when we were 17/18 and I started hanging out with other people at college I think I realised how controlling she could be and I started to ‘rebel’. Origionally I spoke to her about this but told her at the same time that I wanted nothing to do with her any more.
4years later we bumped into each other and we started hanging out again and for a short time she had changed but I’ve been hanging out with her for the last 9 months and she’s started acting like it again, worse thing is she doesn’t realise she’s doing it and I’m scared to approach her with this but I’m the only one with the guts to do it so I know I have to, for her sake more than ours because I want her to be happy and she won’t be if people keep leaving her.
At first it was small things, if we all went out we all HAD to wear dresses or if we went somewhere to eat because she was driving she would HAVE to decide where we’d go for lunch but just recently I realised I wouldn’t be able to go to her birthday because of some severe financial problems and when I told her she went barmy, even threatened to stop talking to me. Even though she knows how much I was looking forward to it and I was even planning my outfit months in advance because I work part tiem and was worried that I wouldn’t have the money for one. Anyways shes started complaining that I shouldn’t have bought any work clothes because then I would have the money to go but I tried to make her understand that they were for job interviews and she came up with all mannor of excuses as to why I didn’t need those clothes.
I know she wants me to go and shes upset but so am I and I believe if she were a real friend then she wouldn’t be trying to guilt me into going, even her other friends have started moving on and I feel terrible for her because I don’t want to see her alone and I care about her, she’s one of my longest friends but I’m starting to get sick of it. I have a serious problemswith being controlled as I had a troubled childhood and I can also understand her reasons for her behaviour but this doesn’t mean I should put up with it because she does so much for me. I feel like I’m being emotionally blackmailed.
Not only that but when I invite her out she won’t come because she doesn’t like my friends (even though shes never met them) and on top of that if I want to invite friends out with us on a night out, I have to clear it with her first because they might not be her kind of people - tbh I’m not sure what that is. Also if we do go out, we have to stay at her side through out the whole night otherwise she trows tantrums, for example if we go for a cigarette or toilet we have to make sure someone is standing with her before we leave to do it.
What should I do? I don’t want to break up with her again because deep down she is a good person but at the end of the day i don’t believe I should stay just because she does nice things for me. I’ve thought prehaps about keeping her at arms length and go out with her less but I wouldn’t know how to go about doing that?
Please email me with any of your comments
Mark Tyrrell on April 30 said:
Thanks Danielle
It certainly does, from what you describe, sound like your friend’s behaviour is controlling. It also sounds like you’re a wonderful, thoughtful and considerate friend. But I think you already know that in order to give someone the opportunity to change you need to give her some feedback. You also have your own needs, feelings and life to consider. You can respect your own feelings. Although she does a lot for you she is clearly being “commercial” in her niceness in that she expects (demands?)obedience in return.
The way she acts clearly bothers you but it also bothers her as people keep leaving her as you say. Some things are best controlled tightly (like the workings of a plane) and some things need much more room to breath (like the workings of a relationship) if your friend doesn’t start to see herself more objectively soon and modify her actions then, I’m afraid, she’s going to be lonely. She may not like you for telling her now but she will one day. Remember people often react very strongly to what they know, deep down, to be true.
All the best
Mark
Dlux on May 24 said:
@Dee: youre stupid and youre probably a control freak yourself, control freaks get the way they are because they are insecure and have the need to feel important and the only way they can do that is by trying to control everyone elses lives.
Linda on July 13 said:
Dee you are an idiot !!! It is not dealing with incompetent people
that triggers a control freak. It is a serious disorder. These people
need therapy .
Roberta on July 21 said:
@Dee: that is a nice thinking, maybe you should have one as your mother in law…
liz on July 23 said:
Control freaks need to control other people because of their low self esteem. It boosts their ego and makes them feel powerful when really they are very immature and lack self esteem and confidence. They are not genuine people and will try to manipulate as well. They should stay in relationships with people like themselves then they can abuse each other. lol
Alive and Kicking on August 01 said:
“I know, AND I like these shoes the best!”
2cents on August 05 said:
Some people sure get riled up easily. If you read the article you would remember it said to stay calm. Dee’s comment just totally controlled you. That was too easy. Just sayin’ is all…
Zeto on August 10 said:
im soo glad i read this!!! im reaally going too far with controlling people. and with that i mean by taking their lifes….i don’t wanna kill them,i like other people. please don’t hate us, we are SICK and we need help
lliz on August 11 said:
Go and get some then Zeto, there are plenty of experts out there, or are you scared of revealing your innerself. If you did you’d have to accept who you really are and where your coming from. Tough, don’t we all. Soz to be so blunt its called growing up and owning your own crap instead of trying to put it onto somebody else!
Sophie on August 12 said:
I love this article. I have a certain family member that is very controlling. She had no idea she was that way until I pointed it out in a nice way. Watching her I realize it is due to issues she has and insecurities. I have used humor and the broken record techniques and they really do work. I just have to remember all of these tips and use them more often.
Thank you for the wonderful article. I’ve realized that more of us are controlling than we think we are.
Sam on August 28 said:
Control freaks are arrogant, they know best and can make people’s lives hell. I disagree with the previous comment, i am intelligent and hold down a high profile job - my partner tries to control me and when that doesnt work he tries to find a way to guilt trip me and bully me. He’s intelligent but a lazy bum who doesn’t work . . So he has to find some control in his life! Control freaks need to look at themselves and show some humanity . . We are all different and control freaks need to accept this and do something more productive with their energy!
SEA-Cat on August 30 said:
Hi Mark and all others, thanks a lotfor sharing the precious information (...except from Dee’s shallow thought above. No thank for that).
I consider myself a person with reasonable strong personality as I proud of myself for being myself today. However, I still have to deal with this boyfriend (whom I actually want to consider being my “ex” already). So, @Dee, control freaks always want to control no matter who you are. It’s their problem, not ours.
I agree with what Mark’s said that control freaks are not bad people. However, for them being like that, it doesn’t mean I can like part of them and hate part of them. When I feel the person is “boring / uninteresting”, he is boring/uninteresting head to toes, 24/7, for 365 days a year.
Anyway, I still feel I should help the society by helping him heal himself. So, Mark, I have a couple questions:
1. Can control freak’s behavior be healed or changed? How? Have you ever seen a control freak be healed completely?
2. If the answer to the above 1 is negative, how to get rid of him from my life? He keeps trying to contact and I am too polite to open my eyes widely and runaway from him like seeing a ghost (despite that is actually my feeling).
Mark Tyrrell on August 30 said:
Hi Sea Cat
Thanks for your comments. Certainly people can learn to become less controlling through:
A, recognising they are over-controlling in some ways
B, developing strategies to become less “extremist” in the way they conduct their personal and professional relationships.
But in my experience people are less likely to change whilst it suits them not to. Allowing oneself to be controlled by the control freak is like pouring fuel onto a fire whilst wishing it would go out! I have seen people grow out of over-controlling behaviours and become more flexible and therefore respectful in their dealings with others but as I say it may take strong feedback before they start to change. As for getting a control freak out of your life if that is what you want then you need to be firm and consistent. If they feel that you easily waver then they’ll keep on keeping on attempting to control you. You might find this article useful http://www.uncommonhelp.me/articles/ending-a-relationship/
All the best
Mark
alexander on September 06 said:
I disagree with the comment that DEE made about control freaks having to deal with incompetent people. That’s a put down for a start. Control Freaks are insecure and have a personality disorder which probably goes back to their childhood.
Jessika on September 17 said:
This was a great article.It was very informative. I loved it!!!
Laura on April 01 said:
Thank you for this excellent article. I find that decoding this behavior and coming up with specific or targeted responses is very helpful. I just recently started a job where my boss is a control freak (which is, incidentally, why I am researching this topic). I feel that it is too soon to walk away so I am trying to deal with it and focus on the positives. Also, my boss is not far from retirement (about 3 years and 20 days, but who’s counting?). However, I have never had such a terrible supervisor so the learning curve is steep.
Cardinal Pines Sanctuary Pets on April 16 said:
Oh yes, I also have a ‘situation’ that has turned “control freak toxic”. My elderly mama now requires the ‘cooperative’ care of her 5 children and my older sister screams her edicts at me - especially if I say “I can’t spend the night with mother tonight”. My sister is out of control and there is no reasoning with her. Ironically, I have provided most of the additional care required for my mom for the past 13 years and have done this while working and caring for 3 kids etc.without her help. I am unfortunately without a job at present and can not afford the gas to drive the 70+ miles r.t. until I have income other than unemployment again. For this reason only, I have had to limit my visits as I cannot pay my own expenses with that additional cost of gasoline. If my sister screams at me again, I’m afraid I may shut her out altogether. There just aren’t any reasons for disrespecting another human to that degree and because she is my sister, it is hard not to take it personally. What is most sad is that she is worth over a million dollars and won’t acknowledge the financial hardship, let alone the inconvenience.
linda on May 02 said:
Not true i was bullied and harrassed by a male member of staff and i done my job well. I only got picked on because i didn’t stand up for myself the whole thing made me ill and i had to leave my job over it. I find your comment insulting and i dont ever want to be in a situation like it ever again
C M on May 08 said:
at work we have such a controlling character who is creating office disharmony and stress when ‘she’ is around. When we have meetings she is the one who talks, and if you try to say something she just blatantly begin to speak, and therefore you have to stop with your argument. In everything that we do at the office mainly reports, she always have ‘suggestions’ to make and if anyone tries to give his opinion she is the first to say that she does not agree with your opinion. She is so able to make you feel guilty in pointing out that you did something incorrect sending you an e-mail and copying the head of department (saying that the head is copied only to check out if she remembers anything of the decision). She uses email to impose control and turn everything into melodramas if she finds something missing or incorrect, typically saying ‘why she was not informed, etc etc’, lately she also had the guts to pointing out to our head of department copying also everyone in the department including the director that our head ‘erroneously left out suggestions decided during a meeting’. She nags and picks on everyone not being perfect with a certain arrogant attitude, not considering that she has the same grade as us in the department therefore it’s not her responsibility to pick on us evenmore on the head of department which I found quite offensive. She works also from home ‘teleworking’ she also had the guts to tell us not to call again in the afternoon at the home because we wake up her child (is enough if I call her ‘arrogant’). The bad thing is that she is ‘protected’ by the director, therefore there is not so much to do about it. But we at the office do not want to be treated in such a way by her. She is acting as if she is the head of department and we at the office are wondering who is the leader. she do not understand the concept of a team and its fundamental principles that each member should guide and help each other. PLEASE TELL ME HOW WE CAN DEAL WITH SUCH A MONSTER.
Mark Tyrrell on May 09 said:
Hello C M
Well as you say it sounds like the director is protecting this woman. But perhaps the one thing you do have is numbers. If many of you feel this way as you seem to then perhaps an “open letter” from everyone to your director and this woman outlying exactly your grievances with examples of what you are not happy about-start collecting data of dissatisfaction to use as ammo. If enough of you have the guts to do this then whether this woman “accepts” what you all say or not and whether the director “agrees” with it what becomes undeniable is that you all do feel like this.
I don’t want to incite “mutiny” or “revolution” here but we always have to play the hands we are dealt and in this case it seems to be the widespread level of dissatisfaction this person has and is causing which will inevitably leak down to negatively impact work productivity-something the director may care about if an appeal to his/her sense of human welfare isn’t strong enough a motivation to get this woman in line.
Good luck
Mark
aubre johnson on June 26 said:
sometimes its just to much to bear…
Isabel Povoas on July 02 said:
Dee are you being sarcastic?
Joe on July 11 said:
Thank you for these insights. I am not incompetent; therefore I have no need for control freaks in my life. Helpful people are always welcome in my world.
dawn on July 13 said:
Thank you. This was the most helpful thing I have read so far. I am looking for simple strategies. The question still in my mind is, should I confront this person or just leave it be? I have had many conversations/arguments over five years with this person. He is a good man, but so controlling he annoys me, frustrates me, makes me feel as if he doesn’t trust me. I think he can’t help it, and changing him will do no good at this point in his life. I guess it’s up to me to cope. But it’s an intimate relationship, which should be reciprocal and honest. Just coping, avoiding, etc. isn’t as honest as saying, “You are really getting on my nerves. Could you please stop?” But he won’t stop, even if he wants to, because he can’t. Or maybe he can improve…I still don’t know what to do.