my husband says he loves me however there was a lack of emotional connection during his childhood this led to him later becoming addicted to pornography. He really is a kind and loving person in all other ways and although he has opened up to me about his porn use i feel he has built up in his own mind an emotional attachment. I am hurting very deeply because i am emotionally attached to him and try to fullfill all his emotional needs, i try to make him feel happy and safe both both physically and emotinaly. I think he needs to seek specialist help but i dont know what kind of help. The porn doesn,t bother me but i am jealous of the emotional bond he has with it. I feel that it is leaching the very intimacy out of our relationship.i don,t know if hypnosis would work for him or even if it would be strong enough subconciously to break this bond. please can you comment on this?
Certainly being overly focussed on porn can sap time and focus away from real relationships. The fact that your husband has actually shared that he does this with you speaks to me that there is already a good level of shared trust and intimacy in your relationship. I don’t know if your husband had read this article: http://www.uncommonhelp.me/articles/overcome-porn-addiction/
I also helped produce this hypnosis download: http://www.hypnosisdownloads.com/addiction-help/porn-addiction which he may find makes all the difference. It’s a curious thing that anxiety and stress tend to make us do things compulsively-once we deal with the sources of the stress as well as the habit of the compulsion then progress is often very swift.
If they are willing to change it is possible. I am currently doing the same and I am noticing progress. Mine is different but same class of problem….....addiction of sorts. Support him to give up pornography first -it deprives people of intimacy and then work on being more intimate. I know it is possible….. Good luck.
Thanx for all your kind comments and encouregement. I know i have alot of probs myself concerning trust. My husband kept his secret to himself for many years and even rejected me most of the time sexualy. This left me feeling extremely hurt and unloved. I pushed for a connection too hard which probably distanced him even more and stopped him opening up. I realize now that just like i have to regain my trust in him he also needs to feel safe and trust me with his vunerabilities. It is the lies addicts use to protect there addiction that causes alot more pain than the addiction itself. It’s protecting the addiction at the cost of being truthfull to your partner that makes them feel less important than porn, alcohol, drugs or whatever. You cannot have a relationship built on trust if you dont speak your truth this goes for both partners. without openess and honesty how can we ever trust and feel connected to each other. My hubby is realising this more and more each day. I’m learning now that love is more important than any addiction as long as it is maintained.
Hi Celia,
I too am married to a Porn Addit, We have been married for 22 years, I discovered his addiction last year and to say the past year has been an emotional rollercoaster is an understatement. However I have given my husband a choice of Porn or family/marrage and myself a choice of Happiness or to waste my future in an unhappy marrage.
I have used Mark’s guided Relaxing audios to get accross to my husband, changing it somehow to suit our suitation. I got him to relax his mind on a sofa watching tv, on the tv was himself,middle aged, unshaved and unwashed in a dark gray dull room with is trousers down around his ankles, and he is masterbating while looking a young girls on porn sites, The man on the screen is doing Porn for breakfast,lunch and dinner, I asked him how he was feeling about that, how he feels about that man on the Tv, How would he think that man’s wife and children and friends might feel about that man. He cried and told me the emotions & feeling he was having. I asked him to hold those emotions & feeling and to switch into them whenever he felt the need to look and porn or masterbate.
NOW I still have him relaxing on the sofa and got him to switch channel with a programme of his choice set in the past staring his children and wife, he choose a time when the kids were small and we were on a beach and we had all helped dig a huge hole in the sand and covered one another up in it and took pictures and had great fun. His son’s spade got lost somewhere in the sand and He remembered comforting him and nipping out at lunch time next day in work to buy a new spade for his son and the feel of the the hug and joy he felf when he gave it to his son after dinner that evening. I asked my husband to share his emotion and feeling about this programme. I asked my husband to hold those emotions and feelings.
I then explaned that he had a choice of which channel he wanted to watch. A choice of which channel he wanted to share & enjoy watching with his wife and kids sitting on the sofa around him. Which channel would he feel was safe for his precious children to watch?
Celia, My husband seemed to realy be able to relate to this excercise.
I am a 21 years old and i have had a sex with only two people. the first guy was guy i dated for three years and he was a very strong christian and did not approve of having sex but after i preasured him enough he gave in, however, i felt extremely intimate and passionate throughout this entire relationship even if we were not having sex. He was very sexual and loved having sex although we were not connected on a spirital basis and ended it.
Now I am currently dating another guy and we have been dating for over a year. When we first started dating he took charg and he gave me the perfect amount of intimacy i desired. however that was at the beginning and now he seems like he is hardly interested in having sex with me. actually last night i began kissing/cuddeling with him and he told me i was being to aggressive and i should let him be the man more often he also said he didnt like how i just expected to have sex with… this was a shock to me because that is not me being remotely aggressive that was me trying to move slow?? ha so now i have a man that seems to not like sex ... which he says he loves it but he diffently doesnt show it ...but he is perfect in pertty much every other area; we have a great respect for eachother, friendship, confort, attraction, same future goals, good communication skill, we have a dog together and when we actually have sex its great i wish it was alittle bit more aggressive on his part but thats my only complaint.
i just dont understand cant i have my cake and eat it too…. i just wish i could put the sex drive my first boyfriend had into my second and life would be perfect!!
i need advice… how to i allow him to “be the man”
celia preston on June 25 said:
my husband says he loves me however there was a lack of emotional connection during his childhood this led to him later becoming addicted to pornography. He really is a kind and loving person in all other ways and although he has opened up to me about his porn use i feel he has built up in his own mind an emotional attachment. I am hurting very deeply because i am emotionally attached to him and try to fullfill all his emotional needs, i try to make him feel happy and safe both both physically and emotinaly. I think he needs to seek specialist help but i dont know what kind of help. The porn doesn,t bother me but i am jealous of the emotional bond he has with it. I feel that it is leaching the very intimacy out of our relationship.i don,t know if hypnosis would work for him or even if it would be strong enough subconciously to break this bond. please can you comment on this?
Mark Tyrrell on June 25 said:
Hello Celia
Certainly being overly focussed on porn can sap time and focus away from real relationships. The fact that your husband has actually shared that he does this with you speaks to me that there is already a good level of shared trust and intimacy in your relationship. I don’t know if your husband had read this article: http://www.uncommonhelp.me/articles/overcome-porn-addiction/
I also helped produce this hypnosis download: http://www.hypnosisdownloads.com/addiction-help/porn-addiction which he may find makes all the difference. It’s a curious thing that anxiety and stress tend to make us do things compulsively-once we deal with the sources of the stress as well as the habit of the compulsion then progress is often very swift.
All the best
Mark
Bret on September 19 said:
If they are willing to change it is possible. I am currently doing the same and I am noticing progress. Mine is different but same class of problem….....addiction of sorts. Support him to give up pornography first -it deprives people of intimacy and then work on being more intimate. I know it is possible….. Good luck.
Celia on September 19 said:
Thanx for all your kind comments and encouregement. I know i have alot of probs myself concerning trust. My husband kept his secret to himself for many years and even rejected me most of the time sexualy. This left me feeling extremely hurt and unloved. I pushed for a connection too hard which probably distanced him even more and stopped him opening up. I realize now that just like i have to regain my trust in him he also needs to feel safe and trust me with his vunerabilities. It is the lies addicts use to protect there addiction that causes alot more pain than the addiction itself. It’s protecting the addiction at the cost of being truthfull to your partner that makes them feel less important than porn, alcohol, drugs or whatever. You cannot have a relationship built on trust if you dont speak your truth this goes for both partners. without openess and honesty how can we ever trust and feel connected to each other. My hubby is realising this more and more each day. I’m learning now that love is more important than any addiction as long as it is maintained.
Choosey wife on April 02 said:
Hi Celia,
I too am married to a Porn Addit, We have been married for 22 years, I discovered his addiction last year and to say the past year has been an emotional rollercoaster is an understatement. However I have given my husband a choice of Porn or family/marrage and myself a choice of Happiness or to waste my future in an unhappy marrage.
I have used Mark’s guided Relaxing audios to get accross to my husband, changing it somehow to suit our suitation. I got him to relax his mind on a sofa watching tv, on the tv was himself,middle aged, unshaved and unwashed in a dark gray dull room with is trousers down around his ankles, and he is masterbating while looking a young girls on porn sites, The man on the screen is doing Porn for breakfast,lunch and dinner, I asked him how he was feeling about that, how he feels about that man on the Tv, How would he think that man’s wife and children and friends might feel about that man. He cried and told me the emotions & feeling he was having. I asked him to hold those emotions & feeling and to switch into them whenever he felt the need to look and porn or masterbate.
NOW I still have him relaxing on the sofa and got him to switch channel with a programme of his choice set in the past staring his children and wife, he choose a time when the kids were small and we were on a beach and we had all helped dig a huge hole in the sand and covered one another up in it and took pictures and had great fun. His son’s spade got lost somewhere in the sand and He remembered comforting him and nipping out at lunch time next day in work to buy a new spade for his son and the feel of the the hug and joy he felf when he gave it to his son after dinner that evening. I asked my husband to share his emotion and feeling about this programme. I asked my husband to hold those emotions and feelings.
I then explaned that he had a choice of which channel he wanted to watch. A choice of which channel he wanted to share & enjoy watching with his wife and kids sitting on the sofa around him. Which channel would he feel was safe for his precious children to watch?
Celia, My husband seemed to realy be able to relate to this excercise.
Michelle on April 04 said:
I am a 21 years old and i have had a sex with only two people. the first guy was guy i dated for three years and he was a very strong christian and did not approve of having sex but after i preasured him enough he gave in, however, i felt extremely intimate and passionate throughout this entire relationship even if we were not having sex. He was very sexual and loved having sex although we were not connected on a spirital basis and ended it.
Now I am currently dating another guy and we have been dating for over a year. When we first started dating he took charg and he gave me the perfect amount of intimacy i desired. however that was at the beginning and now he seems like he is hardly interested in having sex with me. actually last night i began kissing/cuddeling with him and he told me i was being to aggressive and i should let him be the man more often he also said he didnt like how i just expected to have sex with… this was a shock to me because that is not me being remotely aggressive that was me trying to move slow?? ha so now i have a man that seems to not like sex ... which he says he loves it but he diffently doesnt show it ...but he is perfect in pertty much every other area; we have a great respect for eachother, friendship, confort, attraction, same future goals, good communication skill, we have a dog together and when we actually have sex its great i wish it was alittle bit more aggressive on his part but thats my only complaint.
i just dont understand cant i have my cake and eat it too…. i just wish i could put the sex drive my first boyfriend had into my second and life would be perfect!!
i need advice… how to i allow him to “be the man”