Dear Mark,
I would like to thank you for your incredibly useful and insightful article. Whilst I do understand the importance of looking to past experiences, you have a very good point about focusing on working on the PRESENT in constructive ways.
I have done almost everything which you described, and somehow I already feel a greater sense of calm and inner strength. Just writing down the things on a piece of paper seems to have really done a lot of good. I have been to several therapists in the past, and have not found any who elicited the same response, as all they wanted to do was focus on the negative thoughts and experiences.
THANK YOU!
Being, as I am, a teenaged girl, it has been hard to convince both others and myself that whatever it is I am suffering from stems not from the depressingly applicable adolescant feeling of self importance and depravity in all of my relationships. I did not even stop for a moment to think that maybe - just maybe - the reason my relationships failed in all aspects of life (most specifically romantic) was not because of my inexperience with love but rather because of this conditioned response gained from so many failed relationships - specifically, for example, with my father. I can’t tell you what a relief it was to be directed to these words of wisdom and realise that perhaps I am not as permenantly damaged or as helpless as I once hoped. Thank you.
Thanks Sabrina and Aimee for commenting. Kayla nightmares, indeed any dreams tend to be metaphorical representations of unfulfilled emotional arousal from the previous day. So if I worry about something but “switch off” that worry by solving it in some way (either practically or by learning not to worry about it) then the emotional “circuit” is completed and it doesn’t need to become part of a dream. But if I am going to bed after having worried or threated then the emotional “expectation” is still live and will be completed through a symbolic and metaphorical dream that night. If I have been worry about very negative stuff about the future or ruminating about unpleasant things from the past my dreams will reflect this and may even be nightmares. See: http://www.uncommon-knowledge.co.uk/why_do_we_dream.htm
Once you stop feeling emotional about certain issues during the day then what your mind does during sleep will fall into line with your new emotional equilibrium in your wakeful life.
if i have never been Abandoned, then why is that my greatest fear? its one of the dreams i have the most (besides dreams about my mom dieing) my mom says that she thinks that the dreams of her dieing has to do with my fear of abandonment. i just need help i dont understand i have never been Abandoned so i dont know why i would have this fear.
Hi Mark,
Thanks for your insight, I am seeing a therapist right now, and looking up abandonment led me to your website. Thanks for your direction, and basically some of the things my therapist is hitting, the points. In alot of ways I was raise by myself, not my parents, if that is possible, growing up I crave alot of attention, can’t understand why, but its starting to ring clear.
Thanks again for your 5 steps.
I appreciate what you are saying but I find it kind of negative to “tell” people Stop doing this or that. Almost like if they had TOTAL control about what they think. I don’t think this is so and I suppose that is why you use hypnotherapy.
Anyway, the point I am trying to make is that things are a bit more complicated that you are leading folks to think in this article. I’ll tell you about my story and maybe you can see a little further into this whole “fear of abandonment” issue.
My new boyfriend (who just broke up with me for the third time in less then 3 months!) decided that he couldn’t be with me because he says he is too “messed up”. I have realized that his constant fear of abandonment is really the problem because he told me about stories of his childhood that are all related to repeat abandonment from loved ones (especially parents). It was physical and emotional abandonment, same thing anyway. Really.
Now, I just realized today (at 47) that went through the same thing but only emotionally, which is bad enough I guess because it set me off for a whole life of resentment and anger that I didn’t know where it was coming from!
I am studying to be a counsellor today (as I always attracted those people with the same fear all my life without knowing why) and I realize that it is a gift for them that I didn’t judge them and were eager to listen and try to understand (because I think unconsciously I was trying to understand myself!).
So all of this to ask one simple question: Is it really enough to just word the fear and go back in time and tell yourself that everything is gonna be allright?
I really would like to get back with my boyfriend and tell him about all of this but I am not sure where to start.
Do you have any thoughts on how to go about this?
He has been in recovery from drug and alcohol addictions for 7 months now and the anxiety was too unbearable for him. He even said he would go back to gay relationships as he was before because I suspect it is safer and more predictable… i dunno.
He said he had prayed to meet someone like me and he did. All was good until he fell in love I guess, and got really scared. I do get that too but I have better coping mechanisms perhaps.
Very insightful. Very good information even in our daily lives. Of course! I am a grandmother raising a grandson Cameron. Although he loves his parents, he perfer grandmother. I am nurturing and information like this I apply at home. Cameron is very clingy at times and lord and behold he has ADHD. We play basketball together and shortly will be signing up at the YMCA to learn how to swim together. He tell me ever day, I am going to be like Labron Jammes grandma and I am going to take care of you grandma AND MY FAMILY. I say Cameron No! When I closes my eyes one day I want to be able to go in peace knowing that you can take care of your and healthy managed your ADHA. I can’t talk about me dieing one day to Cameron. That’s to deep. Are WE preparing our kids for our departure one DAY. I often speaks to my immediate family, while you are preparing your child for college, talk about your departure one day. Might be sooner than we think. Thanks. KIDS IS WHAT I DO, ALL RACES AND NATIONALITIES. KIDS DO NOT SEE COLOR, WHY SHOULD ADULTS. THEY ALL HAS NEEDS. THINK ABOUT IT. GO TO WORK MS. JOHNSON COTTAGE
Sabrina on April 25 said:
Dear Mark,
I would like to thank you for your incredibly useful and insightful article. Whilst I do understand the importance of looking to past experiences, you have a very good point about focusing on working on the PRESENT in constructive ways.
I have done almost everything which you described, and somehow I already feel a greater sense of calm and inner strength. Just writing down the things on a piece of paper seems to have really done a lot of good. I have been to several therapists in the past, and have not found any who elicited the same response, as all they wanted to do was focus on the negative thoughts and experiences.
THANK YOU!
Aimee on June 30 said:
Being, as I am, a teenaged girl, it has been hard to convince both others and myself that whatever it is I am suffering from stems not from the depressingly applicable adolescant feeling of self importance and depravity in all of my relationships. I did not even stop for a moment to think that maybe - just maybe - the reason my relationships failed in all aspects of life (most specifically romantic) was not because of my inexperience with love but rather because of this conditioned response gained from so many failed relationships - specifically, for example, with my father. I can’t tell you what a relief it was to be directed to these words of wisdom and realise that perhaps I am not as permenantly damaged or as helpless as I once hoped. Thank you.
Kayla Arthur on September 30 said:
how do u get over the fear if u have alot of nightmares on it nearly every night?
Mark Tyrrell on October 02 said:
Thanks Sabrina and Aimee for commenting. Kayla nightmares, indeed any dreams tend to be metaphorical representations of unfulfilled emotional arousal from the previous day. So if I worry about something but “switch off” that worry by solving it in some way (either practically or by learning not to worry about it) then the emotional “circuit” is completed and it doesn’t need to become part of a dream. But if I am going to bed after having worried or threated then the emotional “expectation” is still live and will be completed through a symbolic and metaphorical dream that night. If I have been worry about very negative stuff about the future or ruminating about unpleasant things from the past my dreams will reflect this and may even be nightmares. See: http://www.uncommon-knowledge.co.uk/why_do_we_dream.htm
Once you stop feeling emotional about certain issues during the day then what your mind does during sleep will fall into line with your new emotional equilibrium in your wakeful life.
I hope this is useful Kayla
Mark
Kayla Arthur on October 04 said:
if i have never been Abandoned, then why is that my greatest fear? its one of the dreams i have the most (besides dreams about my mom dieing) my mom says that she thinks that the dreams of her dieing has to do with my fear of abandonment. i just need help i dont understand i have never been Abandoned so i dont know why i would have this fear.
Matt Delaney on October 19 said:
Hi Mark,
Thanks for your insight, I am seeing a therapist right now, and looking up abandonment led me to your website. Thanks for your direction, and basically some of the things my therapist is hitting, the points. In alot of ways I was raise by myself, not my parents, if that is possible, growing up I crave alot of attention, can’t understand why, but its starting to ring clear.
Thanks again for your 5 steps.
Matt Delaney
Isabelle on November 24 said:
Hi Mark,
I appreciate what you are saying but I find it kind of negative to “tell” people Stop doing this or that. Almost like if they had TOTAL control about what they think. I don’t think this is so and I suppose that is why you use hypnotherapy.
Anyway, the point I am trying to make is that things are a bit more complicated that you are leading folks to think in this article. I’ll tell you about my story and maybe you can see a little further into this whole “fear of abandonment” issue.
My new boyfriend (who just broke up with me for the third time in less then 3 months!) decided that he couldn’t be with me because he says he is too “messed up”. I have realized that his constant fear of abandonment is really the problem because he told me about stories of his childhood that are all related to repeat abandonment from loved ones (especially parents). It was physical and emotional abandonment, same thing anyway. Really.
Now, I just realized today (at 47) that went through the same thing but only emotionally, which is bad enough I guess because it set me off for a whole life of resentment and anger that I didn’t know where it was coming from!
I am studying to be a counsellor today (as I always attracted those people with the same fear all my life without knowing why) and I realize that it is a gift for them that I didn’t judge them and were eager to listen and try to understand (because I think unconsciously I was trying to understand myself!).
So all of this to ask one simple question: Is it really enough to just word the fear and go back in time and tell yourself that everything is gonna be allright?
I really would like to get back with my boyfriend and tell him about all of this but I am not sure where to start.
Do you have any thoughts on how to go about this?
He has been in recovery from drug and alcohol addictions for 7 months now and the anxiety was too unbearable for him. He even said he would go back to gay relationships as he was before because I suspect it is safer and more predictable… i dunno.
He said he had prayed to meet someone like me and he did. All was good until he fell in love I guess, and got really scared. I do get that too but I have better coping mechanisms perhaps.
Thanks for you time…
Isabelle
Joeann Johnson on February 10 said:
Very insightful. Very good information even in our daily lives. Of course! I am a grandmother raising a grandson Cameron. Although he loves his parents, he perfer grandmother. I am nurturing and information like this I apply at home. Cameron is very clingy at times and lord and behold he has ADHD. We play basketball together and shortly will be signing up at the YMCA to learn how to swim together. He tell me ever day, I am going to be like Labron Jammes grandma and I am going to take care of you grandma AND MY FAMILY. I say Cameron No! When I closes my eyes one day I want to be able to go in peace knowing that you can take care of your and healthy managed your ADHA. I can’t talk about me dieing one day to Cameron. That’s to deep. Are WE preparing our kids for our departure one DAY. I often speaks to my immediate family, while you are preparing your child for college, talk about your departure one day. Might be sooner than we think. Thanks. KIDS IS WHAT I DO, ALL RACES AND NATIONALITIES. KIDS DO NOT SEE COLOR, WHY SHOULD ADULTS. THEY ALL HAS NEEDS. THINK ABOUT IT. GO TO WORK MS. JOHNSON COTTAGE
catherine echols on April 21 said:
can you please send me things about fear of being rejected thank u