I wonder to what extent romantic love is a self-willed fantasy. The more remote the object, the easier it is to sustain the fantasy. All very teenage.
So there’s the real world with all it’s rough edges and accommodations. And the question is how good should one expect “realistic love” to be? When is a relationship of sufficiently acceptable quality to call it love (i.e. the exclusive primary relationship type of love)?
Yes I think you are right but there is some research to suggest that couples who remain happily married tend to view one another (to some extent) through rose tinted glasses. So this blurring of reality (whilst easier to do when someone is remote) can even happen when we are with someone day to day for many years. I also think romantic love can consist of seeing an extra dimension in someone that others don’t see-that could, of course, be self delusion or sometimes not
Well I guess if we are experiencing unrequited love then the object of that love isn’t really the right person anyway. Having love to give but not having found anyone to give it to is, I suppose, a type of unrequited love although not what we usually mean by the term.
Well Giorgio “agony” is an emotive word of course but I suppose the source of the pain of separation from what you really need (or strongly believe you need) is the source of the pain just as the “pain” of hunger happens when we are denied food. The pain subsides when we find what we really need.
The hardest is when you are on friendly terms with the person, and they seem to give you hints but never follow up on them. I know this means move on and forget, but every time I think I have made progress I am sucked back in. Now I am angry at myself!
Thanks for the article though It contains some practical advice that I will follow up on.
I waited 12 years for my unrequited love. Yes, I moved on and continued to live my life across those years, but the nagging feelings of loss/emptiness never really left me. Oddly enough, the ‘unrequited’ feelings turned out to be mutual. So it seems the problem was more of a misunderstanding than an unrequited fantasy. After numerous casual attempts to locate one another across the years, we were reacquainted over the internet in 2007. We were married this past December (2009). While this is an unusual and potentially unrealistic case for many people, there may be hope for some…
I’m trying to understand how my unrequited love was so into me before, and abruptly ended our long distance relationship. It’s giving me some limerence. He was fine with the distance at first and then suddenly started having an awful time with it. What tripped me up in the end was that he said he still liked me. Real love doesn’t call it quits because of the ‘distance’. He would’ve been better off (and nicer to my emotions) if he had instead said it wasn’t working out and he doesn’t find himself having a real connection with me. Guys always gotta make it complicated and screw with our heads though.
My unrequited love is one of my closest friends. She loves me too, just not in the same way. I can’t just forget about one of my best friends. I could go on but it’s nothing really any other unrequited lover wouldn’t say. I’ve come to terms that she won’t love me like that. I just want to not be in love with her anymore, so I don’t have to deal with the hurt.
We cannot help in the unrequited love situation until you do not express your feeling to the person you love. First find it yourself whether you really love that person or just like him/her. Be prepared for listening NO from the person, on other way you can make him/her a friend. Do not spoil your living attitude, as you will get someone in life who really loves you and in turn you too.
I felt that this was perhaps the best article I had read on the subject until I reached the segment at the end about focusing on finding someone who shares your feelings. Love, particularly unrequited love is so much a projection of self, based on one’s feelings of insecurity and self image. In other words, people love because they feel unloved, they are in love with the idea of love. To advise someone to dedicate themselves to looking for someone to love will only lead to more pain, love should be organic, not forced. I think that, if anything readers should attempt to set aside the idea of love for a while and later reexamine what exactly that word means to them
Thank you so much for this article. There is something about your writing style that resonated with me. I like the jailhouse love metaphor for a number of reasons. It is so true that it is dangerous to rush into love too quickly, before really knowing someone, falling in love with a fantasied projection, believing the person is more or better than who they are, and seting up oneself for pain, disillusionment, and heartache. It also applies to the statement you made that real love does not make you feel anxious and miserable, like a prisoner. I wish I would have realized that earlier. I thought it was normal to feel “sick” with love. Yikes! I’ll love again, get hurt, and bounce back, but it will be for different reasons and won’t hurt quite as much. It takes a long time to get to know someone. Ultimately, people show us who they are, and it’s usually not during the honeymoon phase. Slow and steady is now the name of the game for me. So, thank you so much for your wisdom.
I’ve been in love with the thought of being in love ever since I was a little girl. Ever since I first started having feelings for the opposite sex it’s always been unrequited. Back in school I was the shy quiet type who had the handful of close friends. Guys didn’t give me a second glance. I can count on one hand how many times I liked someone who didn’t return my affection. It does hurt very much. It feels like it becomes part of who you are like a handicap. I was certain that my future would consist of me living alone with nothing but cats to keep me company. Cats love me. That thought just depressed me more. I still have yet to fall in love for real. I have no idea when that will happen..will it happen? I started to change my belief. I went from thinking…never will I ever meet someone who will like me back..to Someday..someday I will meet that someone I have been waiting for all my life. I still get my feelings of doubt and I start to get dragged down but I pull myself out with the thought of someday. It seems like a longstretch..maybe even blind faith but it’s all I have.
I’m in the same boat as you are but in my case I’ve never been rejected, I just have never found someone with such delicate sensitivity as you’re displaying.
The moment I realized I needed to move on was at the ending of watching Gone With the Wind. I am Scarlet and he will forever be my Ashley. I am still bummed.
I’m assuming we are talking about being IN love, romantic relationship love. I would say you can love someone in that way even though the love is not mutual. It sucks and I believe cannot last, if it is one way and the love is not returned it will die. I believe many marriages I’ve seen are suffering from this and it is horrible for the person who is still in love, to give and give and receive no validation or nurturing, ugh. I will never love a woman or stay in a relationship again if she does not love me as well, done that before and learned my lesson, too much pride and life is not long enough to stay in a loveless relationship again.If we are talking about just generally loving someone and not having the love returned, absolutely. Anyone who loves a relative who has alzheimers experiences that, or a seriously troubled teenager, or anyone having problems and not able to express love.
http://www.whatisguide.net/0102-unrequited-love.html
This is a good article but unfortunately for me, being 15 years in this hell, nothing seems to help.
What I find most frustrating is peoples understanding of what unrequited actually means. This is a love that never has and never will be returned, its not about ex’s.
I have moved on twice, I now have a son and believe me the guilt I carry around with me is torture.
This subject has a taboo around it, people treat it like its nothing, a little crush or something.
It is much more than that. I am training to be a psychotherapist and along the way I hope to gain a much deeper understanding of how I have let this happen.
My sincere best wishes to anyone in the same position.
I wish I could say this helped, but I’m not so sure. Until I meet someone else, which I’m not sure I will, I am stuck in this pit. The worst bit for me, is that he has it no better than I do; the girl he loves, my best friend, doesn’t care about him in the slightest. I have spent my short life concerned with academics, and I have always been a friend, and nothing more. I don’t know how to deal with it, and the pain is splitting my life apart.
Perhaps you are right about those who revel in the intensity of agony pretending to seek satisfaction. An author eloquently captures the essence of this search - Could fulfillment ever be felt as deeply as loss? Romantically she decided that love must surely reside in the gap between desire and fulfillment; in the lack not the contentment. Love was the ache, the anticipation, the retreat - everything around it but the emotion itself.
well explained .ivebeen to unrequited loveway back in my high school and college time..it was so sad but its just my path ..hope someday i will meet the ryt guy for me ...^^^^
I believe that the only way to overcome this is to take action. Once youve taken action, you go from the acquired results. If the results are negative you have but 2 choices,give the person time or move on. If this is not a mutual feeling then its probably the best to leave it behind.
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Alex Foster on February 24 said:
I wonder to what extent romantic love is a self-willed fantasy. The more remote the object, the easier it is to sustain the fantasy. All very teenage.
So there’s the real world with all it’s rough edges and accommodations. And the question is how good should one expect “realistic love” to be? When is a relationship of sufficiently acceptable quality to call it love (i.e. the exclusive primary relationship type of love)?
Mark Tyrrell on February 25 said:
Hi Alex
Yes I think you are right but there is some research to suggest that couples who remain happily married tend to view one another (to some extent) through rose tinted glasses. So this blurring of reality (whilst easier to do when someone is remote) can even happen when we are with someone day to day for many years. I also think romantic love can consist of seeing an extra dimension in someone that others don’t see-that could, of course, be self delusion or sometimes not
Giorgio Rovelli on March 17 said:
“don’t confuse the intensity of agony”
Is agony in this case referring to the pain of not having found the right person?
Mark Tyrrell on March 18 said:
Hi Giorgio
Well I guess if we are experiencing unrequited love then the object of that love isn’t really the right person anyway. Having love to give but not having found anyone to give it to is, I suppose, a type of unrequited love although not what we usually mean by the term.
All the best
Mark
Giorgio Rovelli on March 18 said:
So Mark, what is the source of this agony?
Mark Tyrrell on March 18 said:
Well Giorgio “agony” is an emotive word of course but I suppose the source of the pain of separation from what you really need (or strongly believe you need) is the source of the pain just as the “pain” of hunger happens when we are denied food. The pain subsides when we find what we really need.
UnseenMind on June 02 said:
The hardest is when you are on friendly terms with the person, and they seem to give you hints but never follow up on them. I know this means move on and forget, but every time I think I have made progress I am sucked back in. Now I am angry at myself!
Thanks for the article though It contains some practical advice that I will follow up on.
Ana on July 06 said:
This was the most profitable article I read on the matter. Thanks so much!
Rachel on July 15 said:
I really found this useful. Thanks so much. I might just print this out and look at this when i ever have doubts. Thanks so much =)
Erica on September 19 said:
I waited 12 years for my unrequited love. Yes, I moved on and continued to live my life across those years, but the nagging feelings of loss/emptiness never really left me. Oddly enough, the ‘unrequited’ feelings turned out to be mutual. So it seems the problem was more of a misunderstanding than an unrequited fantasy. After numerous casual attempts to locate one another across the years, we were reacquainted over the internet in 2007. We were married this past December (2009). While this is an unusual and potentially unrealistic case for many people, there may be hope for some…
weeping woman on October 05 said:
Oh it’s so bloody hard. Here I am @ 65 & I feel like some gaupy teenager! I really want to free myself of this ghost!
anonymous on December 03 said:
I’m trying to understand how my unrequited love was so into me before, and abruptly ended our long distance relationship. It’s giving me some limerence. He was fine with the distance at first and then suddenly started having an awful time with it. What tripped me up in the end was that he said he still liked me. Real love doesn’t call it quits because of the ‘distance’. He would’ve been better off (and nicer to my emotions) if he had instead said it wasn’t working out and he doesn’t find himself having a real connection with me. Guys always gotta make it complicated and screw with our heads though.
William Newman on December 17 said:
My unrequited love is one of my closest friends. She loves me too, just not in the same way. I can’t just forget about one of my best friends. I could go on but it’s nothing really any other unrequited lover wouldn’t say. I’ve come to terms that she won’t love me like that. I just want to not be in love with her anymore, so I don’t have to deal with the hurt.
Blaster on January 01 said:
Lived it. This is the most accurate thing on the net you can find about this.
suzie on January 02 said:
We cannot help in the unrequited love situation until you do not express your feeling to the person you love. First find it yourself whether you really love that person or just like him/her. Be prepared for listening NO from the person, on other way you can make him/her a friend. Do not spoil your living attitude, as you will get someone in life who really loves you and in turn you too.
Eric on January 08 said:
I felt that this was perhaps the best article I had read on the subject until I reached the segment at the end about focusing on finding someone who shares your feelings. Love, particularly unrequited love is so much a projection of self, based on one’s feelings of insecurity and self image. In other words, people love because they feel unloved, they are in love with the idea of love. To advise someone to dedicate themselves to looking for someone to love will only lead to more pain, love should be organic, not forced. I think that, if anything readers should attempt to set aside the idea of love for a while and later reexamine what exactly that word means to them
Deana on January 13 said:
Thank you so much for this article. There is something about your writing style that resonated with me. I like the jailhouse love metaphor for a number of reasons. It is so true that it is dangerous to rush into love too quickly, before really knowing someone, falling in love with a fantasied projection, believing the person is more or better than who they are, and seting up oneself for pain, disillusionment, and heartache. It also applies to the statement you made that real love does not make you feel anxious and miserable, like a prisoner. I wish I would have realized that earlier. I thought it was normal to feel “sick” with love. Yikes! I’ll love again, get hurt, and bounce back, but it will be for different reasons and won’t hurt quite as much. It takes a long time to get to know someone. Ultimately, people show us who they are, and it’s usually not during the honeymoon phase. Slow and steady is now the name of the game for me. So, thank you so much for your wisdom.
Lynn on January 25 said:
I’ve been in love with the thought of being in love ever since I was a little girl. Ever since I first started having feelings for the opposite sex it’s always been unrequited. Back in school I was the shy quiet type who had the handful of close friends. Guys didn’t give me a second glance. I can count on one hand how many times I liked someone who didn’t return my affection. It does hurt very much. It feels like it becomes part of who you are like a handicap. I was certain that my future would consist of me living alone with nothing but cats to keep me company. Cats love me. That thought just depressed me more. I still have yet to fall in love for real. I have no idea when that will happen..will it happen? I started to change my belief. I went from thinking…never will I ever meet someone who will like me back..to Someday..someday I will meet that someone I have been waiting for all my life. I still get my feelings of doubt and I start to get dragged down but I pull myself out with the thought of someday. It seems like a longstretch..maybe even blind faith but it’s all I have.
SoulSearch on January 26 said:
I’m in the same boat as you are but in my case I’ve never been rejected, I just have never found someone with such delicate sensitivity as you’re displaying.
Suzel Velasquez on April 07 said:
Mark, I think you just saved my life. I love you. Not in a creeepy way though, but rather in a sigh of huge releif.
Suzel on April 08 said:
Nice article.
Mark Tyrrell on April 08 said:
Thanks Suzel
cyndi on April 20 said:
The moment I realized I needed to move on was at the ending of watching Gone With the Wind. I am Scarlet and he will forever be my Ashley. I am still bummed.
suzie on April 22 said:
I’m assuming we are talking about being IN love, romantic relationship love. I would say you can love someone in that way even though the love is not mutual. It sucks and I believe cannot last, if it is one way and the love is not returned it will die. I believe many marriages I’ve seen are suffering from this and it is horrible for the person who is still in love, to give and give and receive no validation or nurturing, ugh. I will never love a woman or stay in a relationship again if she does not love me as well, done that before and learned my lesson, too much pride and life is not long enough to stay in a loveless relationship again.If we are talking about just generally loving someone and not having the love returned, absolutely. Anyone who loves a relative who has alzheimers experiences that, or a seriously troubled teenager, or anyone having problems and not able to express love.
http://www.whatisguide.net/0102-unrequited-love.html
Samantha on April 26 said:
This is a good article but unfortunately for me, being 15 years in this hell, nothing seems to help.
What I find most frustrating is peoples understanding of what unrequited actually means. This is a love that never has and never will be returned, its not about ex’s.
I have moved on twice, I now have a son and believe me the guilt I carry around with me is torture.
This subject has a taboo around it, people treat it like its nothing, a little crush or something.
It is much more than that. I am training to be a psychotherapist and along the way I hope to gain a much deeper understanding of how I have let this happen.
My sincere best wishes to anyone in the same position.
Shasta on May 31 said:
I wish I could say this helped, but I’m not so sure. Until I meet someone else, which I’m not sure I will, I am stuck in this pit. The worst bit for me, is that he has it no better than I do; the girl he loves, my best friend, doesn’t care about him in the slightest. I have spent my short life concerned with academics, and I have always been a friend, and nothing more. I don’t know how to deal with it, and the pain is splitting my life apart.
Sumie on June 15 said:
Perhaps you are right about those who revel in the intensity of agony pretending to seek satisfaction. An author eloquently captures the essence of this search - Could fulfillment ever be felt as deeply as loss? Romantically she decided that love must surely reside in the gap between desire and fulfillment; in the lack not the contentment. Love was the ache, the anticipation, the retreat - everything around it but the emotion itself.
zeldieluckz on June 18 said:
well explained .ivebeen to unrequited loveway back in my high school and college time..it was so sad but its just my path ..hope someday i will meet the ryt guy for me ...^^^^
Robert on June 30 said:
Are there any books on the subject?
derick on July 04 said:
I believe that the only way to overcome this is to take action. Once youve taken action, you go from the acquired results. If the results are negative you have but 2 choices,give the person time or move on. If this is not a mutual feeling then its probably the best to leave it behind.