I found this article after going through at least hundreds of others about insecurity in relationships. But this is the first one which lists down everything that I feel. It gives me that assurance that what I’m going through…it actually does happen with others too and there is a solution to it. Other articles and tips never got my attention coz they never got my problem in first place. But this one has….and I’m hopeful that these tips will work too. And I would love to get my hands on the hypnosis download too. Thanks a lot for showing me the way!!
I found this article very helpful. Many others on the web focus on the cause and effects insecurity will have on relationships, which frankly I know all about or I wouldn’t be online looking for help!
The step by step break down, practical excercises and conversational tone did wonders.
Thank you!
I have found this article the most helpful yet. I am coming from a male perspective but things were looking helpless for me. I have a loving partner and a great relationship but I can tell she is fed up with my insecurities and almost walked away recently because of it. Following this advice from Mark has seemed to change my whole attitude overnight and I’m implementing the concepts straight away. My relationship was going downhill quickly and I needed to do something immediately. I was basically on my last chance. Time will only tell if this has rescued my relationship but at the very least I’m feeling really positive and I’m sure it is going to make a difference. Thanks.
I just wanted to comment that this is a great article. I struggle with being insecure in my relationship as well… more or less cause of my past relationships. This article outlined exactly how I felt, including that I felt I would drive my bf away. Hopefully I can overcome this.
I really liked this article and I hope it provides me with a solution to overcome my insecuritys. Ive been going out with this girl for 4 months now and it seems that Ive just been stressing the whole time. I want to relax and just chill out now because I really like this girl and I dont want to lose her just because I was being insecure. If the relationship ends so be it but I would prefer it to end for the right reasons rather than my own insecuritys destroying it.
One question though. Should I tell her which way I feel and let her know that im trying to do something about it?
Hi PS thanks for commenting. Well it depends-if it is obvious that you’ve been feeling insecure in the relationship then it might help to tell her you are determined to change but if she has been unaware that you’ve felt so insecure then telling her may make her look for signs and pin everything that happens on insecurity in the future even if that’s not the case.
Sometimes we can just change “quietly” and all people around us know is that things have improved
Thanks for the tips! I can relate to every one of these in my relationship and there I was thinking it was all about me when, actually, I realise my behaviour is becoming a destructive problem in my relationship and my poor boyfriend is doing great to be so patient!! Just one more tip I thought you could add..“Love yourself”..the most important one of all.
I think this is a great article and I began to feel reassured that I could overcome my insecurities as soon as I was finished reading it.
I do have a question or two though.
Most articles seem to deal with insecurities in relationships that come from past relationships. Does this work with on-again, off-again relationships?
I’ve been with only one guy for 2 years, but he’s left me more than several times, the last of which was the worst because he had me move in not even two weeks earlier.
I told him that if he left me again, it would be the last time because I’d never go back and I’m resolved to stick by it. Why do I still feel insecure?
Thanks everyone for all the positive comments they help make it all worthwhile : )
Hi Bri I’m not surprised you have been feeling insecure at all. One aspect of any decent relationship is that it should provide you with at least some sense of safety.
Not that you should pin everything on it but there is no denying that relationships are important. But you have taken firm initiative and I think you must absolutely stick by what you’ve told him. Keep practicing the steps in the article but remember consciously or unconsciously he would have been feeling powerful (its all too easy to feel powerful when we get a powerful response from another person in response to what we ourselves do) He needs to tow the line now or you need to find someone reliable and stronger. But I think you should feel more secure because you have finally given him an ultimatum.
All the best and be strong
A year ago my marriage of almost 20 years ended. I have dated, but not really felt anything for anyone, until now. It has been going really well, but day by day I’ve been getting more insecure that he’s too good for me and he’ll realize it soon and leave. I think it’s my defensiveness and fear of getting hurt again.
Your article has really helped me and given me some things to think about. I’ve saved the link so I can read it again.
Just wanted to say that this article helped me think about alot. I have been looking for some good advice as I am very insecure in my relationship due to a very horrible past relationship and am having the worst time letting the past go and work on my present and future. I’m going to use these tips right away and hope/pray that it works.
Thanks everyone for all your comments. I really think that relationship insecurity is one of the biggest self imposed potential relatioship spoilers. And the more stratagies people have to ‘settle’ within their relationships the happier people will be.
Mark
My problem is, I like her too much. I tried for so long to get her, and though I finally did, I have never been entirely confident in myself. All it takes is one joke she doesn’t laugh at or one phone call without laughter and I freak out inside that she’s going to leave me. I really wish I could make it stop and just calm down.
This article really describes me in every relationship I’ve ever been in. For some reason, I feel like my relationships are going to fail and that my partner is going to leave me. I used to think that it was an overall pessimism that was part of my personality, but I’ve finally begun to recognize it as insecurity. I’m having issues with jealousy, and before I realize that I’ve let the jealousy get the best of me, I’ve already started an argument. At that point, I start feeling even worse because I realize that I’ve actually given my partner a reason to leave me (the reason being me starting an argument). And it’s just a downward spiral from there. I don’t know how to stop myself, because I know with every occasion I get jealous or mad, I’m destroying our relationship. I feel like I’m sabotaging my relationships by doing this (and in the past, I’ve even found myself breaking up with other people so that I’m not the one being rejected).
I feel like I’ve been this way so long that I don’t know how to change, especially since I’m currently in a relationship. I feel so hopeless. If I told my partner, I feel like they’d like me less because I’m insecure, and if I don’t tell them I feel like they won’t understand what I’m going through. Are they even supposed to understand and care about my insecurities, or is this something that I have to fix on my own? I don’t know what to do.
Hi
I had been feeling really insecure about mine and my partners relationship lately, just because I realized that he’s very close to girls. He’s close to guys too but in class, I find him hanging out more with the girls in the class… However, after reading this article and reading over the “seeking self-assurance” area, I realized that I just need to be confident i myself and know that he loves me for what other girls don’t have. I need reassure myself on a daily basis that he is with me and he wouldn’t have it any other way. I need to recognize my strengths and focus on the good parts of our relation instead of the negative. I guess it’s sometimes easier to recognize the bad which isn’t good! So thank you for these tips. They will be very helpful to me in the future.
This article was a big advance for me,
I am a very sensitive man and my insignificant other is a
Tomboy of some sort, I know she loves me a real bunch, but still I feel exactly as described in this article, thank you for your advices and a great read, I am really coming out of it more secure and optimistic.
VS
whn i woke up ths mornin i ws so stresd cos i hv jst realised dat im so insecure and that have driven away all my potential partners bt nw im hapy to say tht ths article hv helped a lot because it hs taught me to be able to relax let the relationship blossom.
I almost drive my best friend and (hope not) my boyfriend into crazy stage because of my insecure feelings..
I really love him and cannot afford to lose him and keep thinking this is too good too be last.. and so on, even my bf keep showing his love but it cannot get off from my mind and getting worse by imagining things..
I will try these tips and hopefully it will work
I read a few articles first and the tips they suggested were ridiculous - like “get over it”
This article had very good tips and I am already feeling better about a new relationship. I tend to let my mind run away with me and over think situations, so listing the positives in our relationships really made me see I am worrying too much.
You nailed my behaviors on the head. I don’t know why I seek complete validation in my romantic relationships. I’m coming to terms with it, but it is a daily battle. This article gave me encouragement and some practical steps to start living more freely.
I would like to say thankyou for this. I’m sat here right now reading this with my girlfriend and we can both relate very well. I quit drink and cannabis after 10 years of chronic use and being in several relationships where my paranoia became a reality. Once i was engaged to someone and the bitch cheated on me. Unfortunately i haven’t yet been in a relationship (except my current one) where i haven’t been let down.
Now that i have found someone who is that brightest star in my sky i really feel at ease after reading your article. I appreciate your time to share this with us.
I know this is cliche, etc etc, but you have hit the nail on the head! This is exactly how I feel when I’m not with my boyfriend. If I’m with him, things are great! If I’m not, I’m worst case scenario-ing all sorts of crazy things. If he gets mad, I think, “this is it, he’s going to leave me” despite being told otherwise, over and over. And it’s actually begun to hurt my relationship. It’s those simple stupid things, like constantly asking “are you ok” that are HUGE signs of insecurity, and my boyfriend has noticed, and it’s taking it’s tole. I’m so happy to have found this blog, your advice is great! I hope others can see this and get help working through their insecurities too. THANK YOU! You may have just saved my relationship!
After reading this I feel that there is hope in overcoming my insecurities in my relationship. The men in my family we not great examples of how a man should love his wife and so that brings great insecurities about myself. I am getting married soon and I do not want to push my husband to be away…although he says that we will get through this together. Thanks. I feel everything in this article.
i just confronted myself to do something about my insecuritities instead of running away. my first decession was to ask my pastor which I did, the second was goggle insecuritities and this was at the top of the page. After reading it I realized it to hit on all the issues that I have. I am so looking forward to continuing on.
Really very helpful. A simple, practical solution that really helps with what can be quite a destructive problem in a relationship if left unchecked. Your tips have helped me a lot to stop me making a mountain out of a non-existent mole hill. Thank you!
Reading this helps alot especially when you have gone through a bad previous relationship and the bad strings stay with you and you dont realize theres people out there that have gone through it too! Remember your not alone and you can heal! & Enjoy your new relationship cause I know I mix my thoughts of being hurt into my new relationship!!!
What can I do if I’m in a relationship in which it’s my partner who is insecure? Do I tell her that she is insecure and her insecurities are adding a lot of tension in our relationship? Or will that make her more self-conscious and insecure?
Well when people are insecure in their relationships one of the biggest things they can be insecure about is that they are…..insecure in their relationship. If she feels like this she probably knows she can be insecure. Most people can be a bit insecure sometimes but it depends to what extent the insecurity damages the relationship as to how much of a problem it becomes. If her insecurities are causing problems you might talk about that and discuss together how the both of you can work to make things better. In this way you might avoid labeling her as the “insecure one” (even though that may be the case). I hope that makes sense. Best wishes
I went through the 7 steps on how to overcome insecurity in a relationship & will make use of them. I am currently involved with a wonderful man & find that a part of me still finds it hard that it is for real. Maybe a part of me still doubt that someone could lovercome me unconditional without doubt. One minute i think i’ve got right, dont get me wrong its not that i need to be reassured and yes i know that im taking a chance on love. My problem is i’m on guard & waiting. How do i let this be?
thank god i found this article…omg im gonnar re-read this to absorb the info. this hits the nail right on the head. my relationship is perfect, yet i have to second guess everything….yuck me! relax and release!
I find myself always looking into things with my relationship, always trying to find something wrong. Yet he hasnt “done” anything to really show me that im not his only one. He reassures me i am the only one but at times i have trust in him but other times i dont. I dont want to be like this and after reading this and other comments shows that i am not alone in feeling this way. Its a self battle i have to over come. But reading this helps allot.
I am at a point where I am scared of myself and I get very worried. But this is my question.
I have a relationship going, she is everything I have ever hoped for. But then I feel clingy and over protective, but if I take the advice wouldn’t it be like I am withdrawing, cos I have been consistent and I feel giving space and room might make her feel the change and also think that I am just one of the other people.
I like the self assurance part most. I think you must be a complete person yourself before you can be a fantastic lover.
I think a person needs to work on themselves to be the most intelligent, healthy, beautiful and confident person in order to defeat insecurity and jealousy.
Wow, I’ve always struggled with insecurity issues because all of my past ones have been complete WRECKS!! My current partner is like a dream come true and I often find that I am secretly sabotaging my own relationship!!Just reading these 7 steps alone has made me feel better & I am sure to try all of this out. Thanks so much for having this information available, I think you just saved me!! <3333
I absolutely love your tips and just like the previous commenter, this was also the first article that identified each and everyone of my feelings dealing with insecurity.
This really helped. This article listed all the things that I was doing wrong in my relationship. This is my first real serious relationship. We have been together for a long time, but recently I have been so insecure that it is causing unnecessary arguments. We have been talking about moving forward in our relationship, but I feel like a part of me is holding back because of my insecurity. This article helped, but this will be something I have to constantly work to improve. Thanks a lot.
A great, very useful article Mark. However I think that whilst some things in life - like the weather and the stock market - are uncertain, there’s a danger that applying the uncertainty principle to human relationships is effectively condoning a lot of bad behaviour but saying ‘Well just enjoy it while you can, since you don’t or can’t know what’s going to happen between you’
My feeling is that people need to stop, and think, before they initiate the beginnings of a relationship. And they need to consider how it will affect the other person. I’ve had men chase me, start a relationship, then end it within weeks or months for the most insane reasons. If they had only stopped to consider whether it’s a ‘thrill of the chase’ thing, and how I might feel when that thrill is over - I wouldn’t have been so heartbroken when it ended.
Finding this is a huge relief. I was feeling panicky and near-tears for no good reason, due to my insecurity, but this article described the things I was feeling perfectly. I’ve made lists of the things that are “in my head” and the positive things that are actual, observable facts, and I feel so much better.
MARK WHAT IMMA BOUT TO SHARE TO YOU…MAYBE CAN HELp
MEEH VERY MUCH.!!! OGH BY THE WAY GOOD INFO. POSTING ON THE INSECURITIES THING WITH RELATIOINSHIPS FINALLY MAKES SENSE TO ME NOW…AND VERY HELPFUL.!!! WELL ANYWAYZ IM DATING THIS WOMAN*(COUGAR)*HAHA AS YOU PLEASE….3 MONTHS STILL FRESH BUT WELL IM THE TYPE OF FELLOW THAT I GUESS YOU CAN SAY JUST WANTS TO KNOW AN ANSWER THAT I KNOW I WONT BE DONE WRONG BEHIND MY BACK KUZZ I KNOW IM GONNA BE FAITHFUL ON MY PART 100%.BUT WITH FEMALES MAN!!!U KNO THEY ARE TEN 10 TIMES MORE VICIOUS ..OKAY DNT GET IT WRONG US MEN OUR DOGZ AND WE DO FUCK UP MORE THAN ONCE.BUT ITS LIKE WHEN A FEMALE DOES IT OOOGGHH MAN!!!! JUST THAT ONE TIME U KNOW IT FEELS LIKE 10,000 DAGGERZ! GOING TRHOUGH OUR HEART!!!HAHAHA YOU KNOW WHAT IM SAYIN…WELL ANYWAYS PEEP THIS
*((THE CELL PHONE THING))* YES I SAID IT…I KNOW THAT A WOMAN’S CELL PHONE IS LIKE A PRICED POSSESSION BUT LIKE OKAY LONG STORY SHORT ONE NIGHT AND THIS WASN’T THE FIRST THAT I DID THIS…BUT I GUESS WE FELL ASLEEP IT WAS LATE THEN ALL OF A SUDDEN HER ALARM CAME ON SO IT WOKE ME UP THEN RIGHT THERE AT THAT MOMENT I HAD TWO CHOICES: *OFF THE ALARM AND GO BACK TO SLEEP* OR LOOK FOR TREASURE..WELL U CAN PRETTY MUCH GUESS WHAT I CHOSE! HAHA OKAY NOW THERE WAS 2 THINGZ THAT GOT MEEH HEATED READY TO BUST A CAP ON BOTH THEY ASSES!!! WELL WHAT I FOUND ON DAT CELL phone WAS PRETTY GRAPHIC..U KNOW NUMBERS DON’T LIE SO ON HER PHONE 1)THERE WAS A MISSED CALL A GUY NAMED ERIC AT 5:07PM. NOW 4 MINS AFTER THIS NIGGA SENDS A DICK PICTURE AND IM LIKE WAT THE FUCK… BUT I HAD TO KEEP MY COO I DIDN’T WANNA ASSUME SHIT YET!!! WELL NOW #2.)I NOTICE TEXT MESSAGEs FRM A GUY ASKING HER IF SHE WANTS TO JOIN HIM FOR A MOVIE AT 10ish pm. im not gonna lie i had to do THE MATH OF WHO SENT THE TEXT FIRST BUT I WAS ACTUALLY PRETTY PROUD OF HER TURNING HIM DOWN BY SAYING SHE HAD TO WORK OUT IN THE GYM IN TH MORNING BUT SHE WAS JUST BULLSHITTING…BUT IT TOOK ME AWHILE TO FIGURE OUT WHO INITIATED WHO FIRST… KUZZ LIKE I SAID I DIDNT WANNA ASSUME SHIT YET.. IT TURNS OUT THE DUDE WAS TRYING TO REACH HER INSTEAD OF MY LADY REACHING OUT TO THE DUDE…AT FIRST OF COURSE SEEING THE MESSAGES MADE ME THINK OF DAMN IS THIS WHAT SHE DOES WHEN IM NOT AROUND…BUT LETS GO BACK TO NUMBER 1 WHICH WOULD BE THE DICK PICTURE…WELL AS A MAN OF COURSE YOU WOULD FEEL BETRAYED AND THREATENED FUCK THAT! I FELT EVRYHING ALL AT ONCE..BUT WHAT GOT MEEH CALM AND I HAD TO TELL MYSELF WAS IT WAS A MISSED CALL AND SHE DIDN’T PICK UP AND SHE DIDN’T RESPOND BACK..NOW THAT I MAY NEVER KNOW MAYBE SHE HID HER OUTGOING TEXT IN A DIFF. FILE BUT AS FOR THAT I DIDNT SEE NO ADVANCES ON HER PART…WELL WHEN I CONFRONTED HER ABOUT IT SHE DIDN’T LIE TO MEEH SHE ACTUALLY OWN UP TO IT…BUT I GUESS WHAT IM LEARNING NOW IS THE PANDORA’S BOX THING…IF YOU DIGG FOR SHIT YOU DONT WANNA FIND BE PREPARED AND IM ACCEPTING THAT NOW AS A MAN THAT THERES SOMETHINGZ I CANT CONTROL WHEN IM GONE…NOW WHAT I WANTED TO ASK YOU IS FUCK…HOW CAN I OVERCOME THIS TRUST THING WITH HER CELLPHONE AND MY INSECURITY EVRYTIME I HEAR HER PHONE ..IM ALWAYS CONSTANTLY THINKING WHAT IS IT OR WHO IS IT ...BUT SEE THATS THAT DEMON IN MY HEAD…I GUESS WHAT I WAS UPSET ABOUT AND WORRIED IS THAT IF I NEVER BROUGHT IT UP SHE WOULDVE NEVER TOLD MEEH…WHAT SHOULD I DO ...SHE KEEPS TELLN MEEH DONT WORRY BOUT THESE GUYS ON HER PHONE…U KNOW I AINT TRYNA LET A CELL PHONE BEAT MY FUCKIN RELATIONSHIP!!! SIGHZ* PLS MARK HELP
I appreciated the structure and easy to read advice you have provided; nothing abstract; solid clear and practical information. I am inspired to begin a practice with the hopes of gaining some self control over the “fears of losing my partner” by shifting into the mind-set and sense of “I’ll be O.K. if it should happens.” I do feel and believe that this shift in attitude in certain to increase my sense of inner-strength and confidence. Never mind the positive benefits it is certain to bring into play in my relationship as well. I’m inspired!
Thank You,
SC
I just read this article and It makes so much sense, I have been having insecurity problems and they really getting bad by the day! I will try print this and keep it with me! It really help me a lot tonight
wow,i cannot believe how many people out there feel the same way i do, and continue to put on brave faces to work through internal tortures like i’ve been. thank you so much for being here to heal my emotional wounds. thank you mark !
well, i’ve always been a neglected child, target of bullies, suffered from low self esteem for a really long time. then having dated a committment phobe for 10 years, it just amplifed my insecurities and fear thousands of times more.
i am 38 years old. never been married. after breaking up with my ex, i moved three times bi-coastally, dated at least hundreds of guys, worked as contractor at numerous locations, basically, i turned into a committment phobe, cannot stick to one person longer than a few months, cannot stay at one place for long and feel loveless in my heart for my relatives, friends.
six months ago i met a younger guy on line from another state. he has been nothing but sweet and encouraging to me. he flies out to see me twice a month, adores me and want to settle down with me.
just like most people commented, i constantly feel not young, smart, pretty enough for him. maybe cause of our long distance relationship, i read between the lines when he msg me, if he sounded distant, i assumed he will leave me and i am prepared.
i get jealous and insecured,when he just randomly mention something. but i don’t let him know, instead, i become emotionally withdraw. luckily he has been understanding and still stick with me. , but the closer we get, the less i feel adequate and i get very scared.
i never feel insecured at initial stage of relationship, that made me very attractive, it’s when i get closer to someone, then i sabotage a relationship by ending it.
again, i prepared myself, for the possibility of his leaving me, soon..funny thing is, once i am mentally ready, i feel much better,
Wow ! Talk about relating this to my situation,and this would score 100%.I am so happy I came across this article,now I have invaluable tips on how to get rid of this demon.
Thanks Mark. Im insecure in my love relationship especially because my girlfriend and I both know that a guy she meets at least twice a week at a religious function, and who has a lot of influence over her is in love with her. She says she previously felt something too but doesnt feel it anymore. She cant do without attendance at this religious function so Im usually out of my mind when she attends and I imagine them doing and saying all sorts of things to each other. She constantly assures me that nothing will happen between them but I still feel insecure. Your piece almost perfectly describes my feelings and I hope to read it everyday to maintain my sanity
Excellent article. To the point and very useful tips to overcoming insecurity. I will be printing this off and referring to it often
Thank you very much.
The problem is, if I overcome my relationship insecurities and allow myself to love and be loved, and my partner leaves me anyway; this will just affirm everything I believed in the first place, namely, that I am unlovable. I have always believed that “getting out while I can” is the best course of action because EVENTUALLY my fears of abandonment will come to fruition. And that’s why it’s so hard. All relationships end. I’ve seen it a million times, people go through relationships like they were packets of ketchup and then get hurt when they end, over and over. How can I allow myself to relax in a relationship when deep down I know I’m right?
What can I say but .... THANK YOU! THANK YOU! THANK YOU! My insecurity, if left unchecked would have destroyed my relationship. Now I have practical, easy advice that I can go back to again and again.
Thanks again…
I love this article. It is absolutely everything that i’ve been feeling. Im on the verge of losing something really good. A great guy that treats me like gold. I know im driving him away with the insecurity and I dont want to do that. I hope its not too late to change.
54 other people have said it before me: thank you for the article I have been looking for. I have dated a string of - as my best friend calls them - “pond scum” and now that I’ve finally met a wonderful, caring, intelligent man, all I can do is transfer the insecurities caused by the pond scum into this relationship.
Luckily he’s a pyschologist himself, so he recognises it for what it is and allows me to talk openly about my issues, but nonetheless, I want him to be my friend and lover, not my therapist! Having recognised that I have issues to begin with, I was determined to resolve them; these 7 tips have made the most sense, been the most practical, and could have been written for my specific situation. Thank you!
My boyfriend and I have been together for 3 years His job transferred out of state 6 months ago. I visit him every other weekend. He never displayed any actions of cheating thus far. His cell phone is under my name, I check it often. We did get in argument about it and of course wants me to stop. I can’t stop checking his cellphone and when a female answers I get upset. Most recently, he met a woman and they talked on the phone, but so far not daily. I am worried. Although this has happened he still does not show signs of cheating. Is it okay for him to give his number to other women in this new state that he is working? He says it is all honest conversation, nothing sexual or getting together. In my mind this is the beginning, future talks on the phone could lead to more, I feel. He calls me all the time and when we are together he enjoys our time together. When I have to leave, the next day I would see the woman’s number and it is she who is calling then he may or may not call the number back. What should I do? Trust him.
Hello CeCe well I’m not sure if you can do anything else but trust him. But make it clear (and it sounds like you already have) that his contact with this other woman is making you feel insecure. If he enjoys his relationship with you as it seems he does and he has no history of cheating then it would be out of character for him to cheat now. It might be that this woman is interested in him though.
I am curious as to how he met this woman. Was it socially or through work? I’m also curious to wonder how he would feel if the situation were reversed and another man were calling you. But there is little you can do right now except make your feelings clear and remember that whatever happens in the future you can keep your dignity and deal with it (but that it might well be nothing).
He met this woman while he and a coworker were on break. If the situation were reversed, I don’t think it would bother him. He always says “Go ahead, if that’s what you want to do.”
Anyway, your comment to my insecurity was very helpful. I appreciate you and thanks for listening and responding back quickly.
Thanks for this article. This makes me feel better. I have the best relationship anyone could hope for.. there is just one thing shadowing our happiness and that is my insecurity. I’m so insecure. Its absolutely horrible. I keep trying to please him, I keep scolding myself for everything I do “wrong” and I hate myself for distressing him. By doing this I’m just driving him away. I cry and get fed up eventually, because I’ve tried to be too perfect, something I just can’t be. He hates it when I scold myself for everything and hate myself. I know I should stop. Everything is okay, really. I guess it just takes me some time to realize that. I read recently that relationships where the partners think about themselves and make sure they are happy themselves, are happier relationships. I need to start working on my attitude. I hope others struggling with the same issue as me realize what they need to do in order to save their relationship.
RULE: If you are happy and content, not stressing out and just enjoying your relationship as it is => your partner is also content and happy. Love is not about control and being perfect. Its caring for your loved one no matter what.
I found this article online in my search for overcoming my insecurity, which reared it’s ugly head and caused yet another fight last night. Reading the intro all i kept thinking was, “See, I’m not crazy; that’s exactly how i feel”. This article caused the lightbulb to go off in my head as to what’s going on, and hopefully how to fix it. Everything you said and suggested seems smart and straight forward and like a very logical way to beat my insecurities. Thank you
And thank you Allie. So many people feel they are “crazy” for feeling insecure in their relationships but one of the things I hope this article has done is show how completely normal and universal it is to feel this way some of the time as well as offering real hope that it can be different.
I’m a US Marine. Unfortunately because of my job, and all the stresses it has, whether its deploying or moving to a completely different state across the country, I’ve never been able to hold a successful relationship. Unfortunately, the majority led to me being cheated on.
I feel that my past relationships and past led to the current feelings of insecurity I have now. Reading this article was a wake up call so to speak.
I’m currently in a relationship with an amazing woman, which I truly love to death. I love her so much, I’m actually breaking out of my fear of commitment in order to one day, after our priorities are straight, and if we do it right, marry her. After I read this article, it made me realize all the wrong I’ve done in my relationship.
I’ve always worried about her not being happy with me. Some how I got it in my head that I was the reason why I was cheated on all the time, and I felt that it was only a matter of time before she felt the same way too.
Reading this made me realize that I was wrong. I was comparing our current relationship to the ones in my past. I was “mind reading”. I didn’t have self assurance. But seeing all of this, seeing that I’m not alone, seeing what I’ve done wrong, and that I can fix it, it’s helped a lot. Thank you for this article. Its been a great help. Its saved my future.
I’m in my first serious relationship and in my early 30s. I’ve kind of just been holding my breath since it started because I’d never been out on more than a 4th date with someone before we got together. We were friends first and took things slowly but then got serious towards the beginning of this year and started talking about moving in together. One day a few months ago I looked at him and just questioned whether I actually loved him. Since that point I’ve been really confused about my feelings and insecure in the relationship. Everything was going great, we don’t fight, we have a great time together (and I don’t stress about this when we are together) but when I’m alone I find myself replaying our time together in my head and trying to analyze and find certainty about how I feel. I really liked the article but wondering if you have any advice about being insecure of your own feelings in the relationship even though you know it’s a good, strong relationship that you are enjoying.
This is a good question and what you describe is a common pattern of experience. Doubting whether some one is right for you can be a kind of relationship insecurity. But I suspect it’s because you do care about the relationship so much that you are seeking some kind of certainty or “picking it over” so much that you start to doubt the relationships “authenticity” somehow.
Its strange how some people will even doubt whether they’ve locked their door and have to go back time and time again-checking over and over-as soon as they have certainty they “un-pick” it again by over thinking (“but did I really lock the door?”) It’s because they care so much whether their door is locked or not that they do this.
So my point here is that your very doubting is, as I suggested, an indication of how much this means to you. As you relax into the relationship more (and its still early days) you will naturally “un-pick” or “over-analysis” less than you have been doing. Anyone can entertain doubts about anything if they put their mind to it.
If “real” doubts ever do surface you’ll know they are different from what you have been doing. So basically:
• Remember that, paradoxically, it’s probably because you care so much that you have been “un-picking” when the two of you are not together.
• The kind of definite 100% certainty you are seeking doesn’t really apply to a complicated ongoing experience like a relationship. It’s natural to sometimes feel more engaged with a person at some times more than others for instance.
• As things settle you’ll naturally do this less but if you ever start to have genuine doubts about the relationship they will feel very different to what you have been doing.
These tips really shined a new light for me. My ex was a chronic liar (I watched him lie constantly to his family and me!) When I got in my new relationship, as soon as he got quiet for a few days I snooped thru his email, phone, facebook-everything, and wat I found wasn’t that he was cheating, but definetly made me more insecure than ever. One year later and I’m still struggling. I fear he is going to cheat or that I’m not good enough so he needs attention from these other women. I initially googled “insecurity” to see if he was, but now I know its me and wat I need to do about it. Id love some videos too! Thanks!
I just found this article after another huge fight with my husband that stemmed from my insecurities. My problem is not past relationships - it’s our past relationship. We were together, then broke up for years because he treated me as a roommate and I was convinced he didn’t love me. Years later, he still wanted me back and now we have been together 4 yearts and fight constantly. He has never cheated, but he has lied ‘to spare my feelings’ or to cover up something he did (like spend money) and those lies have added immensely to my insecurity. Now we are back where we started - he treats me like a roommate 85% of the time, I believe he loves me, but I feel so insignificant and that plus my insecurity, plus the past lying seems like a recipe for breaking us up again. I am at a loss of how to overcome my insecurities when I still have lingering doubts about his honesty? Please help!
This article speaks to me. This is exactly how I feel all the time. I have no clue why, but I’m always wanting to be with him, for reassurance that he loves me. If we’re not together my thoughts about “if he loves me, does he want to be with me, is he happy with me?” go though my head non stop. But I want to make them stop. I even have nightmares of him leaving, cheating, etc. I want to be content with our relationship. I know deep down he does love me and is happy, but I also know that if I keep letting my insecurity get in the way of our relationship, he’s going to leave. I don’t feel like I can physically keep going without him. I’ve never been in love like this before and all I want to do is keep our relationship strong, and get over my anxiety.
This article really resembles my feelings. I was searching answers for these questions quite for a long time. You really helped me by showing a way to get out of insecure feeling in relation.
This is the first article i came across and i don’t have to look further. Every thing that i’m feeling is listed in your article and also solutions. I’ve been married now for just two years and with my husband for 6years, things had happened in the past that had triggered my insecurity, but i thought i’ve overcomed it. Recently the feelings started again….i really have no reason for this feeling, but i guess sometimes he’s too DAMM quiet and its kelling me to ask him what’s on his mind. Well thats where your article comes in by letting me know that “some men thinks better whan they are quiet” or somthing like that. Thank you so much
I was in a 15 yr abusive relationship.. Then I married him. Then one day he was having a bad day at work n came home & took it out on me as usual. I decided that day I was DONE & packed my clothes & moved in with my mom. 2 months later I met a man. He was what I spent the last 20yrs wishing my partner was. We talked & laughed together for 2weeks when I relized I hadnt left his side since the day I met him. He is Honest about everything (sometimes 2 much)He had just gotten out of a bad 4yr relationship. He let it be known that I wasnt his only “Friend”. He didnt expect 2 be mine either. That was 2-7-2011.. Well April 1 he moved in wit me & my 14yr daughter. He told me that I was Insecure n Jealous.. It must be from my past n I was pushing him away. I can admitt that I am somewhat Insecure because Ive found myself wanting to go threw his phone. Just to see “WHO” he was texting or talking to JUST now. When I know where I stand with him. So I google Insecurity in Past Relationsips. I got this page.. I just wanted to say Thanks It said Everything I feel. I really seen myself & I dont want to ONLY see the Bad in our relationship. He is a good man & Im so confrontable with him. Like Ive known him ALL my life. We are friends that talk about everything without being Judgemental. So Hopefully Ive learned something & will continue to read Help cause I dont want to push HIM away
I were in a abusive relationship when i were 18 it were my 1st ever one really so all should have been exiting, but insted he were a bully, it were just like bein at school all over again. He took away my self worth and confidence. He hit me on several occusions, so when i fianlly got rid and found myself i really loving man i just couldnt believe my luck. I now get paranoid thinking hes gonna be what that so called man is, and it frightens me to death. I put him through sooo much, constanly asking him if he loves me, if hes ever gonna leave me, cheat on me etc etc, its got to the point where im driving myself crazy and think should i end everything so he can move on to someone who would treat him good. I just dont know what to do, please help me.
The article is very helpful and informative. I am pretty much sure that many can relate to it especially me myself, a while ago i felt insecure about my husband’s statement that his friend’s girlfriend who is very pretty but then after, he told me im hotter,, maybe i was expecting him to say that im more pretty ( sounds funny ) but after reading this article, I’ve realize so many things about myself,and about MIND READING that If he say one thing don’t assume he mean another. Aside from that I strongly agree with “Self-assurance comes from starting to relax with uncertainty.” It is also like “Expectations lead to disappointments,” so one must expect less. Now, i feel a bit more secure about myself, my partner and our relationship thank you this article is a big big help for everyone to build a strong and healthy relationship. Godbless
SJ on March 28 said:
Hi
I found this article after going through at least hundreds of others about insecurity in relationships. But this is the first one which lists down everything that I feel. It gives me that assurance that what I’m going through…it actually does happen with others too and there is a solution to it. Other articles and tips never got my attention coz they never got my problem in first place. But this one has….and I’m hopeful that these tips will work too. And I would love to get my hands on the hypnosis download too. Thanks a lot for showing me the way!!
SJ
AH on April 13 said:
I found this article very helpful. Many others on the web focus on the cause and effects insecurity will have on relationships, which frankly I know all about or I wouldn’t be online looking for help!
The step by step break down, practical excercises and conversational tone did wonders.
Thank you!
JR on April 28 said:
I have found this article the most helpful yet. I am coming from a male perspective but things were looking helpless for me. I have a loving partner and a great relationship but I can tell she is fed up with my insecurities and almost walked away recently because of it. Following this advice from Mark has seemed to change my whole attitude overnight and I’m implementing the concepts straight away. My relationship was going downhill quickly and I needed to do something immediately. I was basically on my last chance. Time will only tell if this has rescued my relationship but at the very least I’m feeling really positive and I’m sure it is going to make a difference. Thanks.
kmak on May 24 said:
deffinitelly what i needed and i am half way through acting and tingking like this.life is back alive
ben dixon on May 26 said:
thanks for the help
Ariaana Jane on June 24 said:
Amazing article… Helps me to look into myself before and question my self-respect and self confidence! Thanks:)
Sam on August 04 said:
Hi,
I just wanted to comment that this is a great article. I struggle with being insecure in my relationship as well… more or less cause of my past relationships. This article outlined exactly how I felt, including that I felt I would drive my bf away. Hopefully I can overcome this.
This article is wonderful.
PS on August 15 said:
I really liked this article and I hope it provides me with a solution to overcome my insecuritys. Ive been going out with this girl for 4 months now and it seems that Ive just been stressing the whole time. I want to relax and just chill out now because I really like this girl and I dont want to lose her just because I was being insecure. If the relationship ends so be it but I would prefer it to end for the right reasons rather than my own insecuritys destroying it.
One question though. Should I tell her which way I feel and let her know that im trying to do something about it?
Mark Tyrrell on August 16 said:
Hi PS thanks for commenting. Well it depends-if it is obvious that you’ve been feeling insecure in the relationship then it might help to tell her you are determined to change but if she has been unaware that you’ve felt so insecure then telling her may make her look for signs and pin everything that happens on insecurity in the future even if that’s not the case.
Sometimes we can just change “quietly” and all people around us know is that things have improved
Hope this is useful
Mark
HL on September 07 said:
Thanks for the tips! I can relate to every one of these in my relationship and there I was thinking it was all about me when, actually, I realise my behaviour is becoming a destructive problem in my relationship and my poor boyfriend is doing great to be so patient!! Just one more tip I thought you could add..“Love yourself”..the most important one of all.
Thank you
Bri on September 12 said:
I think this is a great article and I began to feel reassured that I could overcome my insecurities as soon as I was finished reading it.
I do have a question or two though.
Most articles seem to deal with insecurities in relationships that come from past relationships. Does this work with on-again, off-again relationships?
I’ve been with only one guy for 2 years, but he’s left me more than several times, the last of which was the worst because he had me move in not even two weeks earlier.
I told him that if he left me again, it would be the last time because I’d never go back and I’m resolved to stick by it. Why do I still feel insecure?
Mark Tyrrell on September 12 said:
Thanks everyone for all the positive comments they help make it all worthwhile : )
Hi Bri I’m not surprised you have been feeling insecure at all. One aspect of any decent relationship is that it should provide you with at least some sense of safety.
Not that you should pin everything on it but there is no denying that relationships are important. But you have taken firm initiative and I think you must absolutely stick by what you’ve told him. Keep practicing the steps in the article but remember consciously or unconsciously he would have been feeling powerful (its all too easy to feel powerful when we get a powerful response from another person in response to what we ourselves do) He needs to tow the line now or you need to find someone reliable and stronger. But I think you should feel more secure because you have finally given him an ultimatum.
All the best and be strong
Mark
Kris on October 05 said:
A year ago my marriage of almost 20 years ended. I have dated, but not really felt anything for anyone, until now. It has been going really well, but day by day I’ve been getting more insecure that he’s too good for me and he’ll realize it soon and leave. I think it’s my defensiveness and fear of getting hurt again.
Your article has really helped me and given me some things to think about. I’ve saved the link so I can read it again.
Just wanted to say thank you.
KT on October 05 said:
Just wanted to say that this article helped me think about alot. I have been looking for some good advice as I am very insecure in my relationship due to a very horrible past relationship and am having the worst time letting the past go and work on my present and future. I’m going to use these tips right away and hope/pray that it works.
Thankyou!!
Mark Tyrrell on October 06 said:
Thanks everyone for all your comments. I really think that relationship insecurity is one of the biggest self imposed potential relatioship spoilers. And the more stratagies people have to ‘settle’ within their relationships the happier people will be.
Mark
Josh on October 10 said:
My problem is, I like her too much. I tried for so long to get her, and though I finally did, I have never been entirely confident in myself. All it takes is one joke she doesn’t laugh at or one phone call without laughter and I freak out inside that she’s going to leave me. I really wish I could make it stop and just calm down.
SV on October 15 said:
This article really describes me in every relationship I’ve ever been in. For some reason, I feel like my relationships are going to fail and that my partner is going to leave me. I used to think that it was an overall pessimism that was part of my personality, but I’ve finally begun to recognize it as insecurity. I’m having issues with jealousy, and before I realize that I’ve let the jealousy get the best of me, I’ve already started an argument. At that point, I start feeling even worse because I realize that I’ve actually given my partner a reason to leave me (the reason being me starting an argument). And it’s just a downward spiral from there. I don’t know how to stop myself, because I know with every occasion I get jealous or mad, I’m destroying our relationship. I feel like I’m sabotaging my relationships by doing this (and in the past, I’ve even found myself breaking up with other people so that I’m not the one being rejected).
I feel like I’ve been this way so long that I don’t know how to change, especially since I’m currently in a relationship. I feel so hopeless. If I told my partner, I feel like they’d like me less because I’m insecure, and if I don’t tell them I feel like they won’t understand what I’m going through. Are they even supposed to understand and care about my insecurities, or is this something that I have to fix on my own? I don’t know what to do.
Katie on October 24 said:
Hi
I had been feeling really insecure about mine and my partners relationship lately, just because I realized that he’s very close to girls. He’s close to guys too but in class, I find him hanging out more with the girls in the class… However, after reading this article and reading over the “seeking self-assurance” area, I realized that I just need to be confident i myself and know that he loves me for what other girls don’t have. I need reassure myself on a daily basis that he is with me and he wouldn’t have it any other way. I need to recognize my strengths and focus on the good parts of our relation instead of the negative. I guess it’s sometimes easier to recognize the bad which isn’t good! So thank you for these tips. They will be very helpful to me in the future.
VS on November 01 said:
This article was a big advance for me,
I am a very sensitive man and my insignificant other is a
Tomboy of some sort, I know she loves me a real bunch, but still I feel exactly as described in this article, thank you for your advices and a great read, I am really coming out of it more secure and optimistic.
VS
nolie on November 03 said:
whn i woke up ths mornin i ws so stresd cos i hv jst realised dat im so insecure and that have driven away all my potential partners bt nw im hapy to say tht ths article hv helped a lot because it hs taught me to be able to relax let the relationship blossom.
Ayu on December 07 said:
Thank you for this great article!
I almost drive my best friend and (hope not) my boyfriend into crazy stage because of my insecure feelings..
I really love him and cannot afford to lose him and keep thinking this is too good too be last.. and so on, even my bf keep showing his love but it cannot get off from my mind and getting worse by imagining things..
I will try these tips and hopefully it will work
Helen on December 12 said:
I read a few articles first and the tips they suggested were ridiculous - like “get over it”
This article had very good tips and I am already feeling better about a new relationship. I tend to let my mind run away with me and over think situations, so listing the positives in our relationships really made me see I am worrying too much.
JJ on December 21 said:
You nailed my behaviors on the head. I don’t know why I seek complete validation in my romantic relationships. I’m coming to terms with it, but it is a daily battle. This article gave me encouragement and some practical steps to start living more freely.
Tim on December 22 said:
I would like to say thankyou for this. I’m sat here right now reading this with my girlfriend and we can both relate very well. I quit drink and cannabis after 10 years of chronic use and being in several relationships where my paranoia became a reality. Once i was engaged to someone and the bitch cheated on me. Unfortunately i haven’t yet been in a relationship (except my current one) where i haven’t been let down.
Now that i have found someone who is that brightest star in my sky i really feel at ease after reading your article. I appreciate your time to share this with us.
Have a lovely christmas….
MS on January 01 said:
I know this is cliche, etc etc, but you have hit the nail on the head! This is exactly how I feel when I’m not with my boyfriend. If I’m with him, things are great! If I’m not, I’m worst case scenario-ing all sorts of crazy things. If he gets mad, I think, “this is it, he’s going to leave me” despite being told otherwise, over and over. And it’s actually begun to hurt my relationship. It’s those simple stupid things, like constantly asking “are you ok” that are HUGE signs of insecurity, and my boyfriend has noticed, and it’s taking it’s tole. I’m so happy to have found this blog, your advice is great! I hope others can see this and get help working through their insecurities too. THANK YOU! You may have just saved my relationship!
JeJe on January 03 said:
After reading this I feel that there is hope in overcoming my insecurities in my relationship. The men in my family we not great examples of how a man should love his wife and so that brings great insecurities about myself. I am getting married soon and I do not want to push my husband to be away…although he says that we will get through this together. Thanks. I feel everything in this article.
wakita brown on January 04 said:
this was an amazing entry.I feel it could help,and ive only read it once.thank you
charlie french on January 06 said:
i just confronted myself to do something about my insecuritities instead of running away. my first decession was to ask my pastor which I did, the second was goggle insecuritities and this was at the top of the page. After reading it I realized it to hit on all the issues that I have. I am so looking forward to continuing on.
tracey savage on January 12 said:
I found the article very helpful. The analogy of the insecurity of a relationship to an insecure flyer made things really ‘click’ for me.
Thank you!
w on February 01 said:
Really very helpful. A simple, practical solution that really helps with what can be quite a destructive problem in a relationship if left unchecked. Your tips have helped me a lot to stop me making a mountain out of a non-existent mole hill. Thank you!
Charlene on February 06 said:
Reading this helps alot especially when you have gone through a bad previous relationship and the bad strings stay with you and you dont realize theres people out there that have gone through it too! Remember your not alone and you can heal! & Enjoy your new relationship cause I know I mix my thoughts of being hurt into my new relationship!!!
AW on February 10 said:
Mark,
What can I do if I’m in a relationship in which it’s my partner who is insecure? Do I tell her that she is insecure and her insecurities are adding a lot of tension in our relationship? Or will that make her more self-conscious and insecure?
Thanks,
AW
Mark Tyrrell on February 10 said:
Hi AW
Well when people are insecure in their relationships one of the biggest things they can be insecure about is that they are…..insecure in their relationship. If she feels like this she probably knows she can be insecure. Most people can be a bit insecure sometimes but it depends to what extent the insecurity damages the relationship as to how much of a problem it becomes. If her insecurities are causing problems you might talk about that and discuss together how the both of you can work to make things better. In this way you might avoid labeling her as the “insecure one” (even though that may be the case). I hope that makes sense. Best wishes
Best wishes
Mark
Precious Manana on February 12 said:
I went through the 7 steps on how to overcome insecurity in a relationship & will make use of them. I am currently involved with a wonderful man & find that a part of me still finds it hard that it is for real. Maybe a part of me still doubt that someone could lovercome me unconditional without doubt. One minute i think i’ve got right, dont get me wrong its not that i need to be reassured and yes i know that im taking a chance on love. My problem is i’m on guard & waiting. How do i let this be?
JALITA on February 23 said:
thank god i found this article…omg im gonnar re-read this to absorb the info. this hits the nail right on the head. my relationship is perfect, yet i have to second guess everything….yuck me! relax and release!
JG on February 26 said:
I find myself always looking into things with my relationship, always trying to find something wrong. Yet he hasnt “done” anything to really show me that im not his only one. He reassures me i am the only one but at times i have trust in him but other times i dont. I dont want to be like this and after reading this and other comments shows that i am not alone in feeling this way. Its a self battle i have to over come. But reading this helps allot.
Thank You
CA on February 26 said:
I am at a point where I am scared of myself and I get very worried. But this is my question.
I have a relationship going, she is everything I have ever hoped for. But then I feel clingy and over protective, but if I take the advice wouldn’t it be like I am withdrawing, cos I have been consistent and I feel giving space and room might make her feel the change and also think that I am just one of the other people.
Gloria on February 27 said:
I like the self assurance part most. I think you must be a complete person yourself before you can be a fantastic lover.
I think a person needs to work on themselves to be the most intelligent, healthy, beautiful and confident person in order to defeat insecurity and jealousy.
Dee on March 04 said:
Wow, I’ve always struggled with insecurity issues because all of my past ones have been complete WRECKS!! My current partner is like a dream come true and I often find that I am secretly sabotaging my own relationship!!Just reading these 7 steps alone has made me feel better & I am sure to try all of this out. Thanks so much for having this information available, I think you just saved me!! <3333
Caren on March 05 said:
I absolutely love your tips and just like the previous commenter, this was also the first article that identified each and everyone of my feelings dealing with insecurity.
Mallory McDaniel on March 18 said:
This really helped. This article listed all the things that I was doing wrong in my relationship. This is my first real serious relationship. We have been together for a long time, but recently I have been so insecure that it is causing unnecessary arguments. We have been talking about moving forward in our relationship, but I feel like a part of me is holding back because of my insecurity. This article helped, but this will be something I have to constantly work to improve. Thanks a lot.
Vix on March 21 said:
A great, very useful article Mark. However I think that whilst some things in life - like the weather and the stock market - are uncertain, there’s a danger that applying the uncertainty principle to human relationships is effectively condoning a lot of bad behaviour but saying ‘Well just enjoy it while you can, since you don’t or can’t know what’s going to happen between you’
My feeling is that people need to stop, and think, before they initiate the beginnings of a relationship. And they need to consider how it will affect the other person. I’ve had men chase me, start a relationship, then end it within weeks or months for the most insane reasons. If they had only stopped to consider whether it’s a ‘thrill of the chase’ thing, and how I might feel when that thrill is over - I wouldn’t have been so heartbroken when it ended.
Just my 2p
Mark Tyrrell on March 21 said:
Thank you Vix a very good couple of points you make.
Idris on March 22 said:
Finding this is a huge relief. I was feeling panicky and near-tears for no good reason, due to my insecurity, but this article described the things I was feeling perfectly. I’ve made lists of the things that are “in my head” and the positive things that are actual, observable facts, and I feel so much better.
RUDE_BWOYY on March 23 said:
Greetings King.
MARK WHAT IMMA BOUT TO SHARE TO YOU…MAYBE CAN HELp
MEEH VERY MUCH.!!! OGH BY THE WAY GOOD INFO. POSTING ON THE INSECURITIES THING WITH RELATIOINSHIPS FINALLY MAKES SENSE TO ME NOW…AND VERY HELPFUL.!!! WELL ANYWAYZ IM DATING THIS WOMAN*(COUGAR)*HAHA AS YOU PLEASE….3 MONTHS STILL FRESH BUT WELL IM THE TYPE OF FELLOW THAT I GUESS YOU CAN SAY JUST WANTS TO KNOW AN ANSWER THAT I KNOW I WONT BE DONE WRONG BEHIND MY BACK KUZZ I KNOW IM GONNA BE FAITHFUL ON MY PART 100%.BUT WITH FEMALES MAN!!!U KNO THEY ARE TEN 10 TIMES MORE VICIOUS ..OKAY DNT GET IT WRONG US MEN OUR DOGZ AND WE DO FUCK UP MORE THAN ONCE.BUT ITS LIKE WHEN A FEMALE DOES IT OOOGGHH MAN!!!! JUST THAT ONE TIME U KNOW IT FEELS LIKE 10,000 DAGGERZ! GOING TRHOUGH OUR HEART!!!HAHAHA YOU KNOW WHAT IM SAYIN…WELL ANYWAYS PEEP THIS
*((THE CELL PHONE THING))* YES I SAID IT…I KNOW THAT A WOMAN’S CELL PHONE IS LIKE A PRICED POSSESSION BUT LIKE OKAY LONG STORY SHORT ONE NIGHT AND THIS WASN’T THE FIRST THAT I DID THIS…BUT I GUESS WE FELL ASLEEP IT WAS LATE THEN ALL OF A SUDDEN HER ALARM CAME ON SO IT WOKE ME UP THEN RIGHT THERE AT THAT MOMENT I HAD TWO CHOICES: *OFF THE ALARM AND GO BACK TO SLEEP* OR LOOK FOR TREASURE..WELL U CAN PRETTY MUCH GUESS WHAT I CHOSE! HAHA OKAY NOW THERE WAS 2 THINGZ THAT GOT MEEH HEATED READY TO BUST A CAP ON BOTH THEY ASSES!!! WELL WHAT I FOUND ON DAT CELL phone WAS PRETTY GRAPHIC..U KNOW NUMBERS DON’T LIE SO ON HER PHONE 1)THERE WAS A MISSED CALL A GUY NAMED ERIC AT 5:07PM. NOW 4 MINS AFTER THIS NIGGA SENDS A DICK PICTURE AND IM LIKE WAT THE FUCK… BUT I HAD TO KEEP MY COO I DIDN’T WANNA ASSUME SHIT YET!!! WELL NOW #2.)I NOTICE TEXT MESSAGEs FRM A GUY ASKING HER IF SHE WANTS TO JOIN HIM FOR A MOVIE AT 10ish pm. im not gonna lie i had to do THE MATH OF WHO SENT THE TEXT FIRST BUT I WAS ACTUALLY PRETTY PROUD OF HER TURNING HIM DOWN BY SAYING SHE HAD TO WORK OUT IN THE GYM IN TH MORNING BUT SHE WAS JUST BULLSHITTING…BUT IT TOOK ME AWHILE TO FIGURE OUT WHO INITIATED WHO FIRST… KUZZ LIKE I SAID I DIDNT WANNA ASSUME SHIT YET.. IT TURNS OUT THE DUDE WAS TRYING TO REACH HER INSTEAD OF MY LADY REACHING OUT TO THE DUDE…AT FIRST OF COURSE SEEING THE MESSAGES MADE ME THINK OF DAMN IS THIS WHAT SHE DOES WHEN IM NOT AROUND…BUT LETS GO BACK TO NUMBER 1 WHICH WOULD BE THE DICK PICTURE…WELL AS A MAN OF COURSE YOU WOULD FEEL BETRAYED AND THREATENED FUCK THAT! I FELT EVRYHING ALL AT ONCE..BUT WHAT GOT MEEH CALM AND I HAD TO TELL MYSELF WAS IT WAS A MISSED CALL AND SHE DIDN’T PICK UP AND SHE DIDN’T RESPOND BACK..NOW THAT I MAY NEVER KNOW MAYBE SHE HID HER OUTGOING TEXT IN A DIFF. FILE BUT AS FOR THAT I DIDNT SEE NO ADVANCES ON HER PART…WELL WHEN I CONFRONTED HER ABOUT IT SHE DIDN’T LIE TO MEEH SHE ACTUALLY OWN UP TO IT…BUT I GUESS WHAT IM LEARNING NOW IS THE PANDORA’S BOX THING…IF YOU DIGG FOR SHIT YOU DONT WANNA FIND BE PREPARED AND IM ACCEPTING THAT NOW AS A MAN THAT THERES SOMETHINGZ I CANT CONTROL WHEN IM GONE…NOW WHAT I WANTED TO ASK YOU IS FUCK…HOW CAN I OVERCOME THIS TRUST THING WITH HER CELLPHONE AND MY INSECURITY EVRYTIME I HEAR HER PHONE ..IM ALWAYS CONSTANTLY THINKING WHAT IS IT OR WHO IS IT ...BUT SEE THATS THAT DEMON IN MY HEAD…I GUESS WHAT I WAS UPSET ABOUT AND WORRIED IS THAT IF I NEVER BROUGHT IT UP SHE WOULDVE NEVER TOLD MEEH…WHAT SHOULD I DO ...SHE KEEPS TELLN MEEH DONT WORRY BOUT THESE GUYS ON HER PHONE…U KNOW I AINT TRYNA LET A CELL PHONE BEAT MY FUCKIN RELATIONSHIP!!! SIGHZ* PLS MARK HELP
S C on March 31 said:
I appreciated the structure and easy to read advice you have provided; nothing abstract; solid clear and practical information. I am inspired to begin a practice with the hopes of gaining some self control over the “fears of losing my partner” by shifting into the mind-set and sense of “I’ll be O.K. if it should happens.” I do feel and believe that this shift in attitude in certain to increase my sense of inner-strength and confidence. Never mind the positive benefits it is certain to bring into play in my relationship as well. I’m inspired!
Thank You,
SC
DJ on April 03 said:
Thank You,
I just read this article and It makes so much sense, I have been having insecurity problems and they really getting bad by the day! I will try print this and keep it with me! It really help me a lot tonight
lynn on April 07 said:
wow,i cannot believe how many people out there feel the same way i do, and continue to put on brave faces to work through internal tortures like i’ve been. thank you so much for being here to heal my emotional wounds. thank you mark !
well, i’ve always been a neglected child, target of bullies, suffered from low self esteem for a really long time. then having dated a committment phobe for 10 years, it just amplifed my insecurities and fear thousands of times more.
i am 38 years old. never been married. after breaking up with my ex, i moved three times bi-coastally, dated at least hundreds of guys, worked as contractor at numerous locations, basically, i turned into a committment phobe, cannot stick to one person longer than a few months, cannot stay at one place for long and feel loveless in my heart for my relatives, friends.
six months ago i met a younger guy on line from another state. he has been nothing but sweet and encouraging to me. he flies out to see me twice a month, adores me and want to settle down with me.
just like most people commented, i constantly feel not young, smart, pretty enough for him. maybe cause of our long distance relationship, i read between the lines when he msg me, if he sounded distant, i assumed he will leave me and i am prepared.
i get jealous and insecured,when he just randomly mention something. but i don’t let him know, instead, i become emotionally withdraw. luckily he has been understanding and still stick with me. , but the closer we get, the less i feel adequate and i get very scared.
i never feel insecured at initial stage of relationship, that made me very attractive, it’s when i get closer to someone, then i sabotage a relationship by ending it.
again, i prepared myself, for the possibility of his leaving me, soon..funny thing is, once i am mentally ready, i feel much better,
Bid on April 08 said:
Wow ! Talk about relating this to my situation,and this would score 100%.I am so happy I came across this article,now I have invaluable tips on how to get rid of this demon.
Thanks..
Angelo on April 08 said:
Thanks Mark. Im insecure in my love relationship especially because my girlfriend and I both know that a guy she meets at least twice a week at a religious function, and who has a lot of influence over her is in love with her. She says she previously felt something too but doesnt feel it anymore. She cant do without attendance at this religious function so Im usually out of my mind when she attends and I imagine them doing and saying all sorts of things to each other. She constantly assures me that nothing will happen between them but I still feel insecure. Your piece almost perfectly describes my feelings and I hope to read it everyday to maintain my sanity
Hannah Patterson on April 12 said:
Excellent article. To the point and very useful tips to overcoming insecurity. I will be printing this off and referring to it often
Thank you very much.
Jamie on April 13 said:
The problem is, if I overcome my relationship insecurities and allow myself to love and be loved, and my partner leaves me anyway; this will just affirm everything I believed in the first place, namely, that I am unlovable. I have always believed that “getting out while I can” is the best course of action because EVENTUALLY my fears of abandonment will come to fruition. And that’s why it’s so hard. All relationships end. I’ve seen it a million times, people go through relationships like they were packets of ketchup and then get hurt when they end, over and over. How can I allow myself to relax in a relationship when deep down I know I’m right?
BosBlondie on April 17 said:
What can I say but .... THANK YOU! THANK YOU! THANK YOU! My insecurity, if left unchecked would have destroyed my relationship. Now I have practical, easy advice that I can go back to again and again.
Thanks again…
Carrie on April 22 said:
I love this article. It is absolutely everything that i’ve been feeling. Im on the verge of losing something really good. A great guy that treats me like gold. I know im driving him away with the insecurity and I dont want to do that. I hope its not too late to change.
Amanda on April 28 said:
54 other people have said it before me: thank you for the article I have been looking for. I have dated a string of - as my best friend calls them - “pond scum” and now that I’ve finally met a wonderful, caring, intelligent man, all I can do is transfer the insecurities caused by the pond scum into this relationship.
Luckily he’s a pyschologist himself, so he recognises it for what it is and allows me to talk openly about my issues, but nonetheless, I want him to be my friend and lover, not my therapist! Having recognised that I have issues to begin with, I was determined to resolve them; these 7 tips have made the most sense, been the most practical, and could have been written for my specific situation. Thank you!
GA on May 04 said:
I find this article interesting because it spells out virtually all that i feel in my relationship
CeCe on May 11 said:
My boyfriend and I have been together for 3 years His job transferred out of state 6 months ago. I visit him every other weekend. He never displayed any actions of cheating thus far. His cell phone is under my name, I check it often. We did get in argument about it and of course wants me to stop. I can’t stop checking his cellphone and when a female answers I get upset. Most recently, he met a woman and they talked on the phone, but so far not daily. I am worried. Although this has happened he still does not show signs of cheating. Is it okay for him to give his number to other women in this new state that he is working? He says it is all honest conversation, nothing sexual or getting together. In my mind this is the beginning, future talks on the phone could lead to more, I feel. He calls me all the time and when we are together he enjoys our time together. When I have to leave, the next day I would see the woman’s number and it is she who is calling then he may or may not call the number back. What should I do? Trust him.
Mark Tyrrell on May 11 said:
Hello CeCe well I’m not sure if you can do anything else but trust him. But make it clear (and it sounds like you already have) that his contact with this other woman is making you feel insecure. If he enjoys his relationship with you as it seems he does and he has no history of cheating then it would be out of character for him to cheat now. It might be that this woman is interested in him though.
I am curious as to how he met this woman. Was it socially or through work? I’m also curious to wonder how he would feel if the situation were reversed and another man were calling you. But there is little you can do right now except make your feelings clear and remember that whatever happens in the future you can keep your dignity and deal with it (but that it might well be nothing).
Best wishes
Mark
CeCe on May 12 said:
Hi Mark:
He met this woman while he and a coworker were on break. If the situation were reversed, I don’t think it would bother him. He always says “Go ahead, if that’s what you want to do.”
Anyway, your comment to my insecurity was very helpful. I appreciate you and thanks for listening and responding back quickly.
Sevvy on May 24 said:
Thanks for this article. This makes me feel better. I have the best relationship anyone could hope for.. there is just one thing shadowing our happiness and that is my insecurity. I’m so insecure. Its absolutely horrible. I keep trying to please him, I keep scolding myself for everything I do “wrong” and I hate myself for distressing him. By doing this I’m just driving him away. I cry and get fed up eventually, because I’ve tried to be too perfect, something I just can’t be. He hates it when I scold myself for everything and hate myself. I know I should stop. Everything is okay, really. I guess it just takes me some time to realize that. I read recently that relationships where the partners think about themselves and make sure they are happy themselves, are happier relationships. I need to start working on my attitude. I hope others struggling with the same issue as me realize what they need to do in order to save their relationship.
RULE: If you are happy and content, not stressing out and just enjoying your relationship as it is => your partner is also content and happy. Love is not about control and being perfect. Its caring for your loved one no matter what.
Allie on June 09 said:
I found this article online in my search for overcoming my insecurity, which reared it’s ugly head and caused yet another fight last night. Reading the intro all i kept thinking was, “See, I’m not crazy; that’s exactly how i feel”. This article caused the lightbulb to go off in my head as to what’s going on, and hopefully how to fix it. Everything you said and suggested seems smart and straight forward and like a very logical way to beat my insecurities. Thank you
Mark Tyrrell on June 09 said:
And thank you Allie. So many people feel they are “crazy” for feeling insecure in their relationships but one of the things I hope this article has done is show how completely normal and universal it is to feel this way some of the time as well as offering real hope that it can be different.
All best wishes
Mark
alex rogers on June 15 said:
Thanks for your article, It was very helpful.
Alex
D.C. on June 20 said:
I just wanted to thank you for this article.
I’m a US Marine. Unfortunately because of my job, and all the stresses it has, whether its deploying or moving to a completely different state across the country, I’ve never been able to hold a successful relationship. Unfortunately, the majority led to me being cheated on.
I feel that my past relationships and past led to the current feelings of insecurity I have now. Reading this article was a wake up call so to speak.
I’m currently in a relationship with an amazing woman, which I truly love to death. I love her so much, I’m actually breaking out of my fear of commitment in order to one day, after our priorities are straight, and if we do it right, marry her. After I read this article, it made me realize all the wrong I’ve done in my relationship.
I’ve always worried about her not being happy with me. Some how I got it in my head that I was the reason why I was cheated on all the time, and I felt that it was only a matter of time before she felt the same way too.
Reading this made me realize that I was wrong. I was comparing our current relationship to the ones in my past. I was “mind reading”. I didn’t have self assurance. But seeing all of this, seeing that I’m not alone, seeing what I’ve done wrong, and that I can fix it, it’s helped a lot. Thank you for this article. Its been a great help. Its saved my future.
-D
Mark Tyrrell on June 20 said:
Thank you D.C that’s wonderful to hear. I wish you all the best for your future, Mark.
Adrienne on June 24 said:
I’m in my first serious relationship and in my early 30s. I’ve kind of just been holding my breath since it started because I’d never been out on more than a 4th date with someone before we got together. We were friends first and took things slowly but then got serious towards the beginning of this year and started talking about moving in together. One day a few months ago I looked at him and just questioned whether I actually loved him. Since that point I’ve been really confused about my feelings and insecure in the relationship. Everything was going great, we don’t fight, we have a great time together (and I don’t stress about this when we are together) but when I’m alone I find myself replaying our time together in my head and trying to analyze and find certainty about how I feel. I really liked the article but wondering if you have any advice about being insecure of your own feelings in the relationship even though you know it’s a good, strong relationship that you are enjoying.
Mark Tyrrell on June 25 said:
Hi Adrienne
This is a good question and what you describe is a common pattern of experience. Doubting whether some one is right for you can be a kind of relationship insecurity. But I suspect it’s because you do care about the relationship so much that you are seeking some kind of certainty or “picking it over” so much that you start to doubt the relationships “authenticity” somehow.
Its strange how some people will even doubt whether they’ve locked their door and have to go back time and time again-checking over and over-as soon as they have certainty they “un-pick” it again by over thinking (“but did I really lock the door?”) It’s because they care so much whether their door is locked or not that they do this.
So my point here is that your very doubting is, as I suggested, an indication of how much this means to you. As you relax into the relationship more (and its still early days) you will naturally “un-pick” or “over-analysis” less than you have been doing. Anyone can entertain doubts about anything if they put their mind to it.
If “real” doubts ever do surface you’ll know they are different from what you have been doing. So basically:
• Remember that, paradoxically, it’s probably because you care so much that you have been “un-picking” when the two of you are not together.
• The kind of definite 100% certainty you are seeking doesn’t really apply to a complicated ongoing experience like a relationship. It’s natural to sometimes feel more engaged with a person at some times more than others for instance.
• As things settle you’ll naturally do this less but if you ever start to have genuine doubts about the relationship they will feel very different to what you have been doing.
I hope this is useful in some way
All the best
Mark
Christa on June 27 said:
These tips really shined a new light for me. My ex was a chronic liar (I watched him lie constantly to his family and me!) When I got in my new relationship, as soon as he got quiet for a few days I snooped thru his email, phone, facebook-everything, and wat I found wasn’t that he was cheating, but definetly made me more insecure than ever. One year later and I’m still struggling. I fear he is going to cheat or that I’m not good enough so he needs attention from these other women. I initially googled “insecurity” to see if he was, but now I know its me and wat I need to do about it. Id love some videos too! Thanks!
Michelle on June 29 said:
I just found this article after another huge fight with my husband that stemmed from my insecurities. My problem is not past relationships - it’s our past relationship. We were together, then broke up for years because he treated me as a roommate and I was convinced he didn’t love me. Years later, he still wanted me back and now we have been together 4 yearts and fight constantly. He has never cheated, but he has lied ‘to spare my feelings’ or to cover up something he did (like spend money) and those lies have added immensely to my insecurity. Now we are back where we started - he treats me like a roommate 85% of the time, I believe he loves me, but I feel so insignificant and that plus my insecurity, plus the past lying seems like a recipe for breaking us up again. I am at a loss of how to overcome my insecurities when I still have lingering doubts about his honesty? Please help!
Christian on June 30 said:
This article speaks to me. This is exactly how I feel all the time. I have no clue why, but I’m always wanting to be with him, for reassurance that he loves me. If we’re not together my thoughts about “if he loves me, does he want to be with me, is he happy with me?” go though my head non stop. But I want to make them stop. I even have nightmares of him leaving, cheating, etc. I want to be content with our relationship. I know deep down he does love me and is happy, but I also know that if I keep letting my insecurity get in the way of our relationship, he’s going to leave. I don’t feel like I can physically keep going without him. I’ve never been in love like this before and all I want to do is keep our relationship strong, and get over my anxiety.
Pandu on July 07 said:
Hi Mark,
This article really resembles my feelings. I was searching answers for these questions quite for a long time. You really helped me by showing a way to get out of insecure feeling in relation.
Regards,
Pandu
SassyChrissy on July 08 said:
This is the first article i came across and i don’t have to look further. Every thing that i’m feeling is listed in your article and also solutions. I’ve been married now for just two years and with my husband for 6years, things had happened in the past that had triggered my insecurity, but i thought i’ve overcomed it. Recently the feelings started again….i really have no reason for this feeling, but i guess sometimes he’s too DAMM quiet and its kelling me to ask him what’s on his mind. Well thats where your article comes in by letting me know that “some men thinks better whan they are quiet” or somthing like that. Thank you so much
kelly on July 17 said:
I found these tips very helpful indeed thank you.
STEPHANIE BALL on July 21 said:
I was in a 15 yr abusive relationship.. Then I married him. Then one day he was having a bad day at work n came home & took it out on me as usual. I decided that day I was DONE & packed my clothes & moved in with my mom. 2 months later I met a man. He was what I spent the last 20yrs wishing my partner was. We talked & laughed together for 2weeks when I relized I hadnt left his side since the day I met him. He is Honest about everything (sometimes 2 much)He had just gotten out of a bad 4yr relationship. He let it be known that I wasnt his only “Friend”. He didnt expect 2 be mine either. That was 2-7-2011.. Well April 1 he moved in wit me & my 14yr daughter. He told me that I was Insecure n Jealous.. It must be from my past n I was pushing him away. I can admitt that I am somewhat Insecure because Ive found myself wanting to go threw his phone. Just to see “WHO” he was texting or talking to JUST now. When I know where I stand with him. So I google Insecurity in Past Relationsips. I got this page.. I just wanted to say Thanks It said Everything I feel. I really seen myself & I dont want to ONLY see the Bad in our relationship. He is a good man & Im so confrontable with him. Like Ive known him ALL my life. We are friends that talk about everything without being Judgemental. So Hopefully Ive learned something & will continue to read Help cause I dont want to push HIM away
KELLY on July 21 said:
I were in a abusive relationship when i were 18 it were my 1st ever one really so all should have been exiting, but insted he were a bully, it were just like bein at school all over again. He took away my self worth and confidence. He hit me on several occusions, so when i fianlly got rid and found myself i really loving man i just couldnt believe my luck. I now get paranoid thinking hes gonna be what that so called man is, and it frightens me to death. I put him through sooo much, constanly asking him if he loves me, if hes ever gonna leave me, cheat on me etc etc, its got to the point where im driving myself crazy and think should i end everything so he can move on to someone who would treat him good. I just dont know what to do, please help me.
HAL on July 22 said:
The article is very helpful and informative. I am pretty much sure that many can relate to it especially me myself, a while ago i felt insecure about my husband’s statement that his friend’s girlfriend who is very pretty but then after, he told me im hotter,, maybe i was expecting him to say that im more pretty ( sounds funny ) but after reading this article, I’ve realize so many things about myself,and about MIND READING that If he say one thing don’t assume he mean another. Aside from that I strongly agree with “Self-assurance comes from starting to relax with uncertainty.” It is also like “Expectations lead to disappointments,” so one must expect less. Now, i feel a bit more secure about myself, my partner and our relationship
thank you this article is a big big help for everyone to build a strong and healthy relationship. Godbless 