I dont resent my brother (Im older) my mother lost a child before me & Im a result of the doctor saying ‘‘if you dont go in for another child you wont have one’‘
I resent how we are treated differently, I have 2 children 24, 22.. my brother has 3 children, 4, 8 & 12.
My children had both thier birthdays forgotten (& also me, thier own child) yet my brothers children did not, (the birthdays was a few weeks apart) My children have been Once in thier caravan & yet they take my brothers children abroad, what narks me is they say they treat us the same. I feel as if im seeking approval from them, but I know I will never get it. My daughter has just found out shes pregnant (I was excited about being a nan when I phoned them) My father interupted me after a few seconds saying he was taking my brothers youngest to disneyland & that my daughter wouldnt cope with a child. Ive accepted them putting me down (Im 47) but I resent them even more for putting my children down. I told my father this & he hung up, Why do I care when it hurts me so much?
Dear Mark (and everyone else out there reading this article),
I have a very horrible, practically nonexistent relationship with my brother. We are nine years apart—I’m 23, he’s 32. I’ve been told by my parents that when I was first born, he took very good care of me and helped out quite a lot. He was genuinely interested and concerned about me.
My earliest memories date back from when I was 5 years old. he was in high school then and was very mean to me, constantly picked on me, put me down and acted as if I were the privileged one. Of course, when we are that young that kind of behavior is not uncommon. When I mentioned it to my mother she said “He’ll grow out of it, he loves you” and that was that.
Well it’s been quite a few years since then and he still treats me the same, if not worse. The “you’re the privileged one” attitude has persisted, and his put-downs have become more extreme.
Please note, I don’t consider him my rival. Yes I get angry, but I am more hurt by his behavior. I never thought my parents liked him more; sometimes I got the impression they liked me more because I was more obedient, but both him and I have had extreme emotional problems (he puts me down for mine, even though I have been diagnosed with bipolar disorder, and talks as if his issues are so much worse and I have no valid reason to complain). My father talks the same way towards me.
For reasons I can’t comprehend, my brother seems to think my life is so much better than his. Well, everyone goes through turmoil—I saw on a church sign the other day, a saying I liked, to the effect of “Be kind to those you meet. We are all fighting our own battles”.
I have deduced through analysis the following:
1) My brother is extremely jealous of me. I know from what he’s said that he thinks my parents have treated me better, which isn’t/wasn’t true.
Aside from my parents, I can’t imagine why he would think my life is better. Growing up I was always cutting myself, in and out of the hospital, involving myself in abusive relationships with various men, suffering from extremely low self-esteem, becoming largely depressed to the point of being dysfunctional, etc.
2) When I turned 18 my boyfriend proposed to me. My brother had never actually had a real talk with me, but he saw fit this opportunity to launch a full-on lecture with me about how the situation was ill-fitted and illogical. He talked about all of his friends being divorced, about him “knowing better” supposedly, about his emotional issues being worse than mine, how he had a much harder time growing up (how could he possibly know that?), and so on so forth. I never asked for his advice on anything (oh no, I knew much better than to do such a thing as that).
3) Last Thanksgiving we both attended a family reunion (I brought my 2 year old daughter and her father). I still live with my parents and my daughter at the time was confused and calling my grandmother “mama” which I was already hurt and insecure about. He decided to make fun of the situation in a mean, cold-hearted way. He brought his rude girlfriend along with him and she started to pick on me as well, but in a more minor fashion.
4) He’s now engaged to this woman and I don’t know how to deal with it. I don’t know if they’re right for each other because they seem to’ve gone downhill since they started. So they are getting married in November, but I don’t really wish to attend. I suppose it would make me the better person, but I don’t know if he really deserves a better person, seeing as he doesn’t appreciate me as I am (I’m not cocky at all, but I know deep down I am a good person, at least most of the time).
I guess in a secret way I am jealous and bitter…my own relationship is going downhill…I was engaged to a wonderful man who would’ve made a wonderful father, but 3 years into our relationship he had a psychotic episode, was diagnosed with schizophrenia and has never been the same person since. His family situation is horrible so I feel obligated to stay with him, even though I fantasize about moving on and am convinced I’ll someday obtain a better life if I do so. But then I reprimand myself for those thoughts because I feel guilty.
What I’m saying is, due to my brother’s behavior and demeanor, I don’t feel that he deserves what he has. Why did MY life have to be ruined? I know it’s not fair, but what does that attitude achieve?
To get to the point, and the question—I have confronted my brother in the past in what I felt was a tactful and respectful way. I asked him how he felt about me and why his feelings changed towards me after I reached a certain age. He chose not to answer directly and pretended as if he had no clue what I was talking about.
How should I deal with this? I can’t change him, can I? If I have to accept this, then should I cut off all communication between us in the future? I have dealt with others in that way and found that it made me feel better, but I question if that would apply if said individual was my own brother.
Thanks for your time. It is appreciated.
—Andrea
P.S. Is there any chance you might write an article about dealing with abusive parents? (assuming you haven’t—forgive me if you have).
It certainly sounds as if you have been through a lot but it also sounds as if you are a fundamentally decent person. You’re right in that we can’t totally change someone else and it seems to me that your brother’s behavior is his responsibility.
Sibling rivalry can only happen of both siblings play the game and it sounds as if you have risen above such one up one down stuff. As to getting answers from your bother as to why he changed in my experience people either don’t know why they have felt and acted as they did or do or aren’t prepared to admit their behavior of feelings. You “can’t get blood out of a stone.”
Perhaps rather than breaking all connection with him you need a break for a while. If he upsets you that much as is not open to really discussing it or altering his behavior then you have two choices: You can either work on being less bothered by him or you limit contact if at all possible.
This doesn’t have to be no contact but if something is “toxic” we need to at least limit how much we come into contact with it and it can be the same in human relationships. As far as his wedding goes that is a judgment call of course but what ever you decide make sure you do what you feel is best for the situation as a whole.
jayne on April 23 said:
I dont resent my brother (Im older) my mother lost a child before me & Im a result of the doctor saying ‘‘if you dont go in for another child you wont have one’‘
I resent how we are treated differently, I have 2 children 24, 22.. my brother has 3 children, 4, 8 & 12.
My children had both thier birthdays forgotten (& also me, thier own child) yet my brothers children did not, (the birthdays was a few weeks apart) My children have been Once in thier caravan & yet they take my brothers children abroad, what narks me is they say they treat us the same. I feel as if im seeking approval from them, but I know I will never get it. My daughter has just found out shes pregnant (I was excited about being a nan when I phoned them) My father interupted me after a few seconds saying he was taking my brothers youngest to disneyland & that my daughter wouldnt cope with a child. Ive accepted them putting me down (Im 47) but I resent them even more for putting my children down. I told my father this & he hung up, Why do I care when it hurts me so much?
Andrea on February 08 said:
Dear Mark (and everyone else out there reading this article),
I have a very horrible, practically nonexistent relationship with my brother. We are nine years apart—I’m 23, he’s 32. I’ve been told by my parents that when I was first born, he took very good care of me and helped out quite a lot. He was genuinely interested and concerned about me.
My earliest memories date back from when I was 5 years old. he was in high school then and was very mean to me, constantly picked on me, put me down and acted as if I were the privileged one. Of course, when we are that young that kind of behavior is not uncommon. When I mentioned it to my mother she said “He’ll grow out of it, he loves you” and that was that.
Well it’s been quite a few years since then and he still treats me the same, if not worse. The “you’re the privileged one” attitude has persisted, and his put-downs have become more extreme.
Please note, I don’t consider him my rival. Yes I get angry, but I am more hurt by his behavior. I never thought my parents liked him more; sometimes I got the impression they liked me more because I was more obedient, but both him and I have had extreme emotional problems (he puts me down for mine, even though I have been diagnosed with bipolar disorder, and talks as if his issues are so much worse and I have no valid reason to complain). My father talks the same way towards me.
For reasons I can’t comprehend, my brother seems to think my life is so much better than his. Well, everyone goes through turmoil—I saw on a church sign the other day, a saying I liked, to the effect of “Be kind to those you meet. We are all fighting our own battles”.
I have deduced through analysis the following:
1) My brother is extremely jealous of me. I know from what he’s said that he thinks my parents have treated me better, which isn’t/wasn’t true.
Aside from my parents, I can’t imagine why he would think my life is better. Growing up I was always cutting myself, in and out of the hospital, involving myself in abusive relationships with various men, suffering from extremely low self-esteem, becoming largely depressed to the point of being dysfunctional, etc.
2) When I turned 18 my boyfriend proposed to me. My brother had never actually had a real talk with me, but he saw fit this opportunity to launch a full-on lecture with me about how the situation was ill-fitted and illogical. He talked about all of his friends being divorced, about him “knowing better” supposedly, about his emotional issues being worse than mine, how he had a much harder time growing up (how could he possibly know that?), and so on so forth. I never asked for his advice on anything (oh no, I knew much better than to do such a thing as that).
3) Last Thanksgiving we both attended a family reunion (I brought my 2 year old daughter and her father). I still live with my parents and my daughter at the time was confused and calling my grandmother “mama” which I was already hurt and insecure about. He decided to make fun of the situation in a mean, cold-hearted way. He brought his rude girlfriend along with him and she started to pick on me as well, but in a more minor fashion.
4) He’s now engaged to this woman and I don’t know how to deal with it. I don’t know if they’re right for each other because they seem to’ve gone downhill since they started. So they are getting married in November, but I don’t really wish to attend. I suppose it would make me the better person, but I don’t know if he really deserves a better person, seeing as he doesn’t appreciate me as I am (I’m not cocky at all, but I know deep down I am a good person, at least most of the time).
I guess in a secret way I am jealous and bitter…my own relationship is going downhill…I was engaged to a wonderful man who would’ve made a wonderful father, but 3 years into our relationship he had a psychotic episode, was diagnosed with schizophrenia and has never been the same person since. His family situation is horrible so I feel obligated to stay with him, even though I fantasize about moving on and am convinced I’ll someday obtain a better life if I do so. But then I reprimand myself for those thoughts because I feel guilty.
What I’m saying is, due to my brother’s behavior and demeanor, I don’t feel that he deserves what he has. Why did MY life have to be ruined? I know it’s not fair, but what does that attitude achieve?
To get to the point, and the question—I have confronted my brother in the past in what I felt was a tactful and respectful way. I asked him how he felt about me and why his feelings changed towards me after I reached a certain age. He chose not to answer directly and pretended as if he had no clue what I was talking about.
How should I deal with this? I can’t change him, can I? If I have to accept this, then should I cut off all communication between us in the future? I have dealt with others in that way and found that it made me feel better, but I question if that would apply if said individual was my own brother.
Thanks for your time. It is appreciated.
—Andrea
P.S. Is there any chance you might write an article about dealing with abusive parents? (assuming you haven’t—forgive me if you have).
Mark Tyrrell on February 08 said:
Hello Andrea
It certainly sounds as if you have been through a lot but it also sounds as if you are a fundamentally decent person. You’re right in that we can’t totally change someone else and it seems to me that your brother’s behavior is his responsibility.
Sibling rivalry can only happen of both siblings play the game and it sounds as if you have risen above such one up one down stuff. As to getting answers from your bother as to why he changed in my experience people either don’t know why they have felt and acted as they did or do or aren’t prepared to admit their behavior of feelings. You “can’t get blood out of a stone.”
Perhaps rather than breaking all connection with him you need a break for a while. If he upsets you that much as is not open to really discussing it or altering his behavior then you have two choices: You can either work on being less bothered by him or you limit contact if at all possible.
This doesn’t have to be no contact but if something is “toxic” we need to at least limit how much we come into contact with it and it can be the same in human relationships. As far as his wedding goes that is a judgment call of course but what ever you decide make sure you do what you feel is best for the situation as a whole.
All the very best
Mark