6 tips to rev up your sexual performance
I couldn't believe what I was hearing: "I'm seriously considering hiring a call girl for my husband just to get him better at sex!"
This was a new one on me, the wife considering paying a woman to have sex with her husband.
"It's not that I don't love my husband, because I do. But, how can I put this...he's lovely, but a lousy lover."
("Hmm... this is no time for alliteration," I thought.)
"I was the first woman George ever slept with. I'm far more sexually experienced than him, but it feels ridiculous telling him what to do. He's got no idea! He's clumsy, sometimes he can't get it up at all, or he ejaculates in less time than it takes the kettle to boil!"
"You're referring to when you make love in the kitchen?"
"No! I was just trying to give you a picture, that's all!"
"Ah, so you want to use me rather than a prostitute for your husband?"
"Yes, it's like he needs hypnosis or something! He needs sexual confidence. Can you help?"
Male sexual enhancement for all! (...well, men anyway)
His wife ushered George in like a prized old-time circus exhibit; then, having said her bit, she made her escape. George was a nice regular chap and quickly described how he felt terrible, guilty, and bad for his wife. Although he was deeply attracted to her, sex had become a pressure for him and he expected to "perform poorly" each time. Self-fulfilling prophesies - don't you just love them?
George made sex sound like a mid-term school test; something to be judged for signs of improvement or lack of focus. Needless to say (else I wouldn't be writing this), he started to enjoy sex with his wife when he got better at it, as we all tend to enjoy stuff we're good at.
It doesn't matter how sexually experienced you are; every male in the world can learn and apply these techniques. Whilst it's true to say that men's sexual interest within a relationship is (contrary to popular belief) determined partly by the state of the relationship itself, here I want to focus on ways men can improve their own and their partner's sexual enjoyment. So, here for your use are some of the approaches we applied to greatly improve George and his wife's sexual relationship.
1) It really is how you use it - and not size - that matters
George worried that his manhood was "below par" in size. Actually, it's well known that most 'average men' feel they are below average, as do many above average men (1). His wife hadn't mentioned the size of her husband's appendage and, being as vociferous as she was, I don't really think she would have neglected to mention it to me, had it been an issue.
"The average length of an erect penis..." I told George stiffly, "is between around 5 to 6 inches!"
He looked palpably relieved. "I thought it was around 8 inches."
"Well, it's not!"
And, anyway, whilst some women may prefer a longer penis, most seem much less obsessed about penis size than the average bloke (2).
2) What a performance!
Forget about performance. It takes two to tango and (traditionally) two to make love. I wanted George to get away from the idea that sex with his wife was "The George Show". He was under so much pressure, I reassured him, that it was amazing he ever got an erection under those circumstances. His wife had even taken to discussing his performance after each lovemaking bout - a detailed critique, if you will. I imagined monthly review meetings, target charts, withheld bonuses. Sure, he needed to please his partner, but not entirely at the expense of his own enjoyment.
I dragged his wife back in and told them that between now and when next I saw George, they were to "cuddle up naked" but on no account were they to have sex! Of course, this took all the pressure off; and once you stop trying, things feel much more natural.
Start to think of lovemaking as more than just the mechanics of sex. Being together is as much, some would say more, to do with making love as the sex act itself.
3) Healthy sexual functioning comes from a healthy lifestyle
Your penis works healthily when you are healthy - think of it as your health barometer (but don't introduce it as such). If you keep your body healthy and well-maintained, your sexual functioning will improve and be, well, top notch.
To keep your 'barometer' healthy and working:
- Don't smoke. Men who smoke are twice as likely to suffer impotence as healthier non-smokers (3). Cigarettes damage arteries carrying blood into all the organs of the body. You get what I'm saying? All the organs. And the news isn't much better for heavy drinkers.
- Limit alcohol consumption. Excessive boozing reduces testosterone production, which can lower sex drive and cause impotence (4).
- Manage your stress. Stress increases cortisol in your body and compromises testosterone production, lowering sex drive and function. Relax regularly, take adequate breaks, and get enough sleep.
- Exercise. When you're fit, you feel and look more attractive, which will lift your sexual confidence. And, as we'll see in the next tip, the right kind of exercise will actually increase your levels of sex hormone. Exercise will also improve blood flow, which will make for sexual enhancement.
- Eat for sex. Your hormonal expression is strongly influenced by what you eat, and improved circulation results in greater erectile response. Include in your diet foods rich in L-Arginine such as granola, oatmeal, peanuts, cashews, walnuts, dairy, green vegetables, root vegetables, garlic, ginseng, soybeans, chickpeas, and seeds (5).
4) Raise your 'sex hormone' naturally; lift some big weights
Testosterone is an androgen secreted mostly from the testicles of males and the ovaries of females, though we chaps generally have much higher levels than women. While it's best known for its effects on increasing lean muscle mass, reducing body fats, and slowing aging processes, testosterone also plays a central role in promoting sexual desire. Levels will fluctuate during the day and tend to be heightened in the morning (producing an 'early rise').
Exercise done properly enhances sexual functioning because it can naturally increase testosterone levels. But what kind of exercise is best? Try a bit of weight training - not just to look buff, but to increase your testosterone production. A report by Aeron Life Cycles Clinical Laboratory, which studied male and female weight trainees, found elevated levels of testosterone in men after six weeks (6).
Men who train regularly and who stick with compound, multi-joint movements and short spurts of lifting (between 20-40 minutes per session) could increase testosterone levels by as much as forty percent or more. Examples of multi-joint exercises include squats, bench presses, and similar movements where more than one joint is necessary to move the weight resistance (so forget the wrist curls, but do some squats).
But be warned - learn how to lift weights properly! Injury is not conducive to great sex. And don't overdo it. Extreme endurance training - what health guru Mark Sissons calls 'chronic cardio' - can dramatically reduce testosterone levels.
Proper rest and sleep also play a huge role in maximizing natural testosterone production by repairing the body and helping stabilize normal hormonal functions.
5) Understand women's sexuality
George wasn't quite sure where the erogenous zones were (although he thought they might be somewhere near the equator). He didn't understand the importance of foreplay in building his wife's desire or know that the average man will climax in about two minutes, whereas a woman typically takes much longer to reach orgasm.
We talked in terms of actual penetration being just a part of overall lovemaking. We spoke about how different parts of the body, not just the genitals, become aroused during sex and how this can happen through gentle touch. During hypnosis, I suggested he experience in his mind "a whole new lovemaking kind of experience" with his wife in which he focussed on her whole body, they took their time, and they forgot about penetration sometimes.
If you want to get on well socially with someone, then you'll need to talk about what they want to discuss sometimes, build rapport with them by matching their language and interests, and hopefully they'll do the same for you. It's actually the same with sex - different people experience lovemaking differently, and part of having a great sex life is in building a wonderful sense of shared experience.
6) Last longer and strengthen those erections
Your erections will naturally become more frequent and stronger once your lifestyle becomes optimally healthy and you've taken active steps to build your sexual confidence and raise testosterone levels. But men can also learn to last much longer when they have more physical control, so remember to exercise your pubococcygeal (PC) muscles, too. There are very simple and easy exercises you can do to make your erections stronger and give you greater ejaculatory control (7).
Try these 'Kegal exercises'
If you were urinating and wanted to stop mid-flow, you'd need to tighten your PC muscles. Of course, you don't need to be mid-flow to tighten them. Practice tightening them for the count of 5 seconds, then releasing them. Alternate in this way 20 times twice a day and work up to 70 repetitions twice a day. It will take a few weeks, but you'll soon notice much greater control.
So did George enhance his sex life?
I saw George three times. He started doing weights for 30 minutes three times a week, improved his diet, stopped drinking so much, cut down and then stopped smoking, learned to slow down and enjoy pleasuring his wife, and learned how to relax and feel spontaneous during sex.
His wife phoned to tell me how pleased she was she'd chosen me over that call girl. I guess I was cheaper, too.